Chapter 42 - The Good Way, part 2

 

Chapter 42. The Good Way, Part II

Bella

Alec and I stand outside my three-story brownstone in Park Slope.

He whistles as he cranes his neck. "Not too shabby."

Twelve steps lead up, up, up to a set of tall double doors. The landing is bare, but in my head I see planters full of leafy vines and flowers. Maybe I'll get a little table and a set of chairs for the flagstone patio off to the side of the steps. I could sip some tea and watch the world go by.

"It's fuckin' perfect," I whisper.

A couple walks past us pushing what's sure to be a thousand dollar baby stroller, each holding a cup of artisanal coffee. They've got a golden retriever on a leash.

Alec raises his eyebrows. "Neighborhood seems a little tame for you."

I hold the front gate open and step aside for him to walk through. "Yeah, you know me these days, slamming back cups of herbal tea 'til the sun comes up, and getting high at all hours… on writing. You want to see the future home of Swan studios, or just see the home of Swan?"

There's a separate entrance just underneath the front steps that leads to a vast, unfinished basement. A two hundred year old stone foundation will make for perfect insulation. L.A. can fuck itself. I'm about to have everything I need to record another album right at my fingertips.

Before Alec can make a decision, my littlest sister throws the front door open and peeks her head out. "You're back! How'd it go?"

"Ugh," I groan as I make my way up the steps.

"She was amazing as always." Alec playfully punches my shoulder. I look at him funny. That's my move. "What?" he asks. "You want me to tell the truth? Tell her how you can't take a compliment?"

I roll my eyes and punch his shoulder right back, a little harder than necessary.

Alice giggles. "That wouldn't exactly be breaking news."

I don't give a shit what they're going on about. I'm home. I toss my purse into the corner and bask in the sunlight streaming through the large front windows. Except for a dining room table and chairs I convinced the last owners to leave behind, the place is empty - just plaster walls and hardwood floors. My stuff from L.A.'s not set to arrive for a week. Even then, it'll hardly fill one corner of the room we're standing in

"One of the guys was a real sleaze," I tell Alice as I lean my guitar up against the wall and kick off my Converse.

"Sam Uley was fine," Alec counters.

"Fine? Really? This guy was practically undressing me with his eyes." I groan at the memory as I head into the kitchen. "Want a drink? I have water." I take a quick look in the refrigerator. "And water."

My manager seems reverent as he walks around the place - running a hand over the wooden built-in bookshelves, peering at the marble hearth over the fireplace, sliding open a pocket door leading into the dining room. Almost reverent, anyway. I've seen real reverence. I know the difference.

"Sam invited her to the beach," Alec explains to my sister. "Just some harmless flirting and she takes it like he tried anal on air or something."

Alice's face damn near turns purple.

"Oh my God, he didn't actually try." Alec rolls his eyes.

"Is that the bar you set for your clients?" I ask. "You'll only step in when there's attempted butt play?"

"Listen, B, I'm just saying -"

"No, you listen, Alec. I get it. The girls are out there. Guys are gonna notice them on the daily. But seriously, he's gotta be professional. Another interviewer leers at my tits on air, I'm calling him out. And I'm not doing it with a smile on my face."

"Fine, fine." He holds up his hands in surrender. "Noted. Sorry. Just thought you should have some fun."

"Do you really want me having fun with Sam Uley?" I lean against the counter, cross my arms over my chest, and wait.

Alec's face blanches and his Adam's apple bobs in his throat. He looks a little sweaty all over again despite the air conditioning. "Now that you mention it, no. I just want you to be happy."

"Being back in Brooklyn makes me happy."

"I know, which is why we're here. It's why I rode the subway, for fuck's sake. But ever since the last time you were home you've been… different. I like the confidence, I fucking love your work ethic, your reliability. But underneath it all, something's missing. I thought maybe it was a guy?"

I do my best to keep up my front - keep my arms folded, keep my hip cocked. All the same, I blink back tears.

"What happened the last time you were here?" He takes a step toward me but stops when I lift my chin in challenge.

Alice clears her throat and Alec and I both startle. She narrows her eyes, sizing up the situation.

Alec glances between me and my sister like he's trying to break some kind of code. I've caught him giving me the same look over the past year when an offhand comment about frozen pizza would send me into a tailspin. This is the first time he's actually come out and asked though. The thing is, I'm not going there today. It would end in tears when today is supposed to be a celebration. A homecoming.

I ignore the ache in my chest and stick my tongue out at Alec. I hand the extra bottle of water to Alice instead.

Everything's fine. Casual references to him can't break me.

"The bed come?" I ask Alice, changing the subject from what I have or haven't told my manager.

She cringes. "Yes and no?"

I raise an eyebrow. "I'm not sure that's possible."

My guilty conscience gets the best of me and I toss another bottle of water Alec's way as compensation for riding the subway. He uses it to cool his forehead before taking a long swig.

"They had the bedframe about halfway put together before they realized it was all wrong," Alice explains. "They'll be back next week. They left you the mattress, though."

I sigh. "It's better than nothing."

"It's pretty close to nothing. I mean, do you even have sheets? A pillow?"

A missing bed frame and a bare mattress shouldn't make me feel empty inside. I can fill the void. "Details, shmetails. I'll run over to Target before I head to Rose and Em's."

"Target?" Alec is aghast. "You need to hire someone to teach you how to be a rock star." He pulls out his phone like he's got a rock star teacher on speed dial.

"Um, yeah. You want to check out my big backyard or my roof deck?"

Alec puts his phone away and shuts up. It was an easy win, but unsatisfying.

I glance at the updated kitchen with its professional grade appliances. It's perfect for making Sunday dinners for the whole family… with him. The backyard is big enough… for us both to play tag with Rose's kids. I can cover my stupid mattress with pillows of all sizes, but it's still going to feel empty.

Christ.

No matter how many Brooklyn bars I perform in, how many houses I buy, how many arguments I win, it feels incomplete without him.

Hey God, help me hold onto this faith. Thanks, Bella.

"I should actually check into my hotel and shower after that subway ride," Alec says. He startles me from my prayer by tossing his empty water bottle my way. "You're taking a car later, Bella." He points an accusing finger in my direction. "I don't want any lip. Fucking mass transit," he huffs.

xXxXx

Once Alec's gone, Alice exhales like she's been holding her breath since I got home. "So, have you started looking for a new manager yet?"

"What? Alec? I mean he's a little uptight about taking the D train, a little too forgiving when it comes to creepy D.J.'s, but he's good people."

I start looking through cabinets, searching for the protein bars I stashed in the kitchen yesterday.

"You like him?"

"I can trust him with anything."

"Yeah, but ever think…"

When I glance back at Alice, she's rocking on her heels like she's waiting for something. "Think what?"

"Oh, come on, Bella. That guy clearly cares about you."

"Alec? Of course he does. He's my manager... Yes!" I hiss when I find my stash in one of the drawers. Since there are no stools at the kitchen island yet, I hop up on the counter and rip open the package.

Alice lifts herself onto the counter next to me. "It's nothing more?"

"Like more how?"

She shakes her head. "You can't be this dense."

I sigh. "I'm not. And no. Alec's just Alec. I'm just me."

"Why, though?"

"Because I still…" I have to stop speaking when the ache in my chest explodes like a detonated bomb.

It hurts to breathe. It hurts to think. It hurts to look my little sister in the eye. I clutch the counter for support and peer out the back window. Leaves from a little maple tree dance in the breeze.

Because I still love him.

His love is the reason my life is damned near perfect. And my love is the reason this perfect life will never feel right.

"I just want a yes or no on this one," I say quietly, instead of finishing my thought.

"This one? What are you talking about?"

"Just promise me you'll only answer with yes or no. Please?"

Alice slides closer to me on the countertop. "I think that would require you to actually ask a yes or no question."

"You've turned into a real smart ass, you know?" I try to sound light and breezy, but my voice cracks just the same.

"Just ask." She gingerly leans her head on my shoulder. "It's okay, Bella."

I pull my knees up to my chin and wrap my arms around my legs. I take a deep breath. "Is he okay?"

Alice clutches my knee. "Now that you're home you should -"

"Yes or no," I rasp.

"Yes, but -"

I gasp. "Yes?"

Time stops or my heart stops. Maybe both.

"Yes. You idiot. He's really good. He's -"

"Thank God. That's good… Really good."

Relief washes over me as late afternoon light filters through shimmering green leaves. Patches of sunshine and shadow merge on the kitchen floor.

It wasn't all for nothing.

He's really good.

"For the love of God, say his name, Bella. Just say it. You can do it. Ed-ward."

"Edward," I whisper. A tear rolls down my face. "Edward's okay? Really okay?"

"Yes, and he's -"

"Thanks, Alice," I say a little too loud. I slide off the counter and pull up Grubhub on my phone. "You want to order some lunch? Do some online shopping so I can fill this place? I've already got a list started. Alec and I went room by room on the plane, but now that we're here…"

My voice trails off when I catch Alice staring at me like I'm speaking Latin. Actually, she probably knows Latin. She looks at me like I'm speaking… Finnish. She throws her hands in the air. "Really, Bella?"

"Yeah, really. I'm starving. And this place is empty as fuck."

My sister hops down from the counter, plucks the phone from my hands and slides it into her back pocket.

"Hey!" I protest.

I try to reach around her for my cell, but she takes me by the shoulders and looks me in the eye. "Why won't you talk about him?"

I shrug out of Alice's grasp, turn my back on her, and look out the back window instead. There's a raised bed off to the side of the yard where I could grow tomatoes and basil like Grandma used to. I'll get the family marinara recipe from Mom. I can almost smell it simmering on the stove.

None of this should make me cry. I wipe at my eyes, feeling ungrateful and embarrassed, missing him all over again.

"Some decisions are really hard to live with, you know?" I try to explain. "It's easier if I just keep it to myself."

I know why I won't talk about him. I'm afraid of how much it will hurt. And I'm afraid if I start it will lead to contacting him. It will lead to messing with his life all over again. I definitely can't. Not when I know he's really good, like Alice says he is. Now, more than ever, it's important for me to stay out of his way. Some things aren't about me.

Alice joins me at the back window. She looks me up and down. "It doesn't look like you're having an easy time."

My forehead falls against cool glass. "I'm working on it. I just have to figure out how to get over him."

"Do you want to get over him?"

"I wish I didn't feel this way whenever his name comes up. I wish…" I think back to the family Alice and I saw at the cottage the last time I was home. The stuff I wish is absurd.

"I want you to have everything, Bella. I really do."

It's almost like she can read my thoughts.

She rests her hand on my shoulder and I lean against my sister. I let her support me as we both look out the window.

"You deserve it," she says quietly. "You know that, right?"

I shake my head, wordless.

"Do me a favor?" she asks.

I laugh a little. "New car? A ticket to the Grammy's?"

"Let yourself imagine it."

"But -"

"Just for tonight. Imagine what it would be like if you could have it all."

Those dreams are always at the corners of my consciousness. Paper thin walls hold them at bay. It would be so easy to let them in.

The alarm on Alice's phone sounds. "Listen, I've gotta go meet a friend to study. But we should talk about this… about Edward again tomorrow."

"Alice, I don't think -"

"After church?" She hands me back my phone and slings her purse over her shoulder. "Order some lunch, online shopping, and Edward?"

She says it almost like she's going to bring him here from Italy. I'm equal parts despondent and irrationally hopeful. We watch one another for a moment. I blink back tears but force a smile on my face like I did for the interview.

"Fine," I huff.

Alice beams. "Yes!" She throws her arms around me.

"See you at church?" she asks on her way out the door. Her eyes twinkle. She looks practically giddy. She's always been kinda over the top when it comes to religion. Some things never change.

"See you then," I tell her.

xXxXxXxXx

Edward

I don't have much time before Alice is supposed to be here. It doesn't help that a certain feline continues to get tangled up in my feet as I try to clean up. Adopting a cat wasn't something I would have thought of on my own. It was Emmett's suggestion. He said I needed some pussy in my life. I took it the wrong way, and here we are.

His name is Piccolini Cuscino. The name was Alice's idea - a throwback to my trip to Italy. I just call him Picco.

"I see you. I hear you. I will get you your food in two seconds," I tell the kitten as I put the vacuum away.

He swipes a paw at me, so I get him something to eat before he starts attacking my ankles.

This cat runs the apartment. Not that it's a lot to run, my place is small. It isn't exactly like the rectory, but with the bare walls and basic furniture, it tends to feel like it. In some weird way, keeping it like this reminds me of Bella.

Speaking of which, I open up my laptop and search for FUV's most recent interview. I'm not a big fan of Sam and Embry's show, but I'm willing to give them some traffic if it means I can listen to Bella's voice.

"...Embry and I were talking earlier, and we both hear influences from musical visionaries like St. Vincent and Liz Phair. Hell, I could even hear The Roches and, dare I say it, Janis Joplin?"

"Oh, no… not Janis."

"No," she says. "Don't you dare say it."

I laugh along with her. For a second it feels like she's sitting across from me, eating Shake Shack leftovers, ready to give a sarcastic retort to some other ridiculous musical comparison.

I can just about see her smile.

The smile.

I think I could convince her she's better than Janis if I had the chance.

Sam asks Bella about the Hamptons and she puts him in his place by explaining how fucking awesome it is in the city during the summers.

Before I can stop myself, I'm in the comments. I'm not the first to post my opinions these days. Work and school take up most of my time, but I still leave my thoughts on each and every upload.

I type out a quick note about how city beaches are better than the Hamptons.

When Sam lets the whole world know he wants a Bella Swan summer in the city tour, it brings back memories of Ben Cheney and everything he put her through last summer. She doesn't deserve the innuendo. She deserves better. At least last summer I could be there for her. Now I'm helpless.

I remind myself she knows how to take care of herself.

A prayer can't hurt though.

Strengthen her through your Holy Spirit. Through Jesus Christ, our Lord, "Amen."

Sam jokes about how Bella came back to the city for food, and she tells him she's here because of her family. I know the feeling. I came back for them too.

I'm about to throw caution to the wind and add another comment saying as much when there's a knock at the door.

I pause the interview. There's no sense making things awkward for Alice.

xXxXx

"What are the research methods used in developmental psychology?

Easy. "The physical, social, emotional, cognitive, and behavioral aspects of development."

"Perfect! Um…" Alice scrolls down the page of my notes. "How does stress affect cognitive development?"

Shit. Not quite as easy, but I've got this.

"Okay… cognitive deficits, learning difficulties, low self-esteem... memory gaps, repetitive outer child behaviors, heightened emotional sensitivity-"

"Resulting in?"

"Depression or anxiety in adulthood."

Alice beams. "You're gonna ace this exam, Father. I mean, Edward."

I chuckle a little. "I haven't been a priest for months, Alice." I know how she feels though. Sometimes I forget too.

She shrugs. "Sorry, old habits."

"Wow. That was a terrible nun-pun."

She giggles as she picks up the kitten and pretends to kiss him. "Hellooooo Mister Cuscino." She rubs noses with him and he sneezes then purrs. Because of course he does. It's Alice. "Do you know the seven common approaches to psychology?" she asks him. "I bet you do, don't you?"

"He doesn't even know his name, Alice."

"We always wanted a kitten when we were kids. Did I ever tell you about the time B-"

I tense up and she stops herself. Then I feel guilty for being the reason she has to. "Go ahead, Alice. It's okay."

"Yeah?" she asks.

I give her a nod.

She looks… hopeful. And also a little amused. "Well, Bella was sure Mom and Dad couldn't say no if we already had a cat. And there was this scary alley cat who lived out back behind Nazareth High. It had one eye, one ear, three legs, and lots of teeth. She named him Fury."

I lean back in my chair and wonder. "Like Nick Fury?"

"I don't know who that is, Edward. I just know that when she unleashed him in the house, he was definitely furious. Tore up Mom's couch, got into her biscotti, tried to kill my favorite stuffed animal, and trapped me and Angela in our room for hours. We actually had to call animal control."

A surge of laughter hits me hard and before we know it, both Alice and I are doubled over.

I wipe tears from my eyes. "I can only imagine Renee's reaction."

"She sent Bella to confession as soon as Fury was gone and it was safe to leave the bedroom. Mom really lost it when Bella came home from St. Mary's with a note from Father Volturi though."

"A note? Here I thought I was the only unorthodox priest at St. Mary's."

Alice smirks.

"It had nothing to do with Father Volturi. Bella was the unorthodox one. The note said someone needed to teach Bella how confession was supposed to work. That confession meant you were sorry. She wasn't. We needed a cat and Fury needed a home. Mom said she was grounded until she admitted she was wrong. I think she stayed in her room that entire summer."

I finally have an idea where Bella learned to be sorry for everything.

"I'm sure Renee meant well," I say, a little more somber than a moment ago.

"Yeah, Mom… Anyway, do we need to go over study tactics?" Alice asks, almost like she's dying to change the subject. "Remember your mnemonics, get enough sleep the night before-"

"Eat a healthy breakfast… yeah, yeah."

"Do not question the method." She shoves me in the chest.

I rub where she pushed me. "Careful there, Ronda Rousey."

Alice's hands fly to her mouth. "Oh my God, I totally forgot. Is it healing up okay? Can I see it yet?"

"Healed but still a little sore when small people punch me. And no, you cannot," I tell her with as much mock admonishment as I can muster. I know it makes her crazy and it's stupid, but I'm not ready to share the new tatt with anyone just yet.

After plenty of internal debate, I decided not to get rid of my vows. I didn't want to erase what they represented. Instead, I had the artist fade them out a little and intertwine the new with the old. The new is a little bigger and bolder, and it holds a much more prominent place over my heart. The vows are still there, a reminder of what they taught me, who they brought me to, and how much she still means to me.

"Not fair," Alice whines. I can tell she's had practice as a little sister.

Her phone vibrates and she pulls it out to check it. I try to give her some privacy. It's probably Jane.

It feels like we've been at this for hours. Alice is a beast when it comes to studying. We're birds of a feather like that. I just wish extra studying would get me to the finish line quicker. This degree is essential for my future.

I'm excited. I'm on the path I know I'm meant to be on, but the anticipation of getting it done is stressful.

Give me patience, Lord. And the strength to make it happen.

I grab a couple of waters. When I offer one to Alice, she gives me her famous side eye.

"Something wrong?"

She types into her phone like a mad woman. "Nope."

It doesn't look like a nope. "You sure?"

Alice puts her phone down and studies me. "You really figured it out, didn't you?"

"Hmm?"

"What's important?"

A familiar ache builds inside my chest. "It's like you said, Alice. I always knew."

She bounces her foot under the table like she's nervous. "Ever wonder if she figured it out too?"

Of course I've wondered, an endless number of times. I've wondered if Rose was right when she said Bella felt the same, if Charlie was right about her being happier than he'd seen her in years. I've wondered if she's thought about me, if she's missed me, if she feels alone like I do when she lays in bed at night. I've wondered if figuring out what's important to me means I don't have to keep my promise anymore.

My resolve cracks a little more every day I'm away from her. Now that she's home, some days it's all I can do to hold myself together. Her family is comforting, but they're also a constant reminder of the hole she left in my heart.

Something only she can fix.

"Wondered. Hoped. Prayed. But I think she already had it figured out. Isn't that why she left?"

"Your guess is as good as mine since neither of you talk about it. At all."

The frustration in Alice's voice is almost like God telling me it's time for another confession.

"I guess I figured if I didn't talk about it, I could hold onto her for a little while longer."

Alice's eyes brighten. "But you think about her?"

"All the fucking time." Admitting it out loud is like lifting a weight. It hurts, but it's a good kind of pain.

"She thinks about you too."

This catches me by surprise. Talking about Bella is one thing. Hearing that maybe she's talked about me is another.

I can't breathe.

"She…" Christ. I can't think. I can't swallow, for that matter. This is the first time I've discussed her with anyone besides God since I left for Italy. It feels wrong but very right at the same time.

"Did she tell you that?"

"She did. Like an hour ago."

Breathe.

"She misses you."

I can't quite form words yet, but Alice seems to know what I'm wondering.

"She hasn't exactly said it. Not in so many words. But you two are kind of obvious."

We always were, I guess. Maybe we still are.

"I'm not sure what you want me to do with this information, Alice. Bella was pretty clear about what she wanted."

"Maybe what you needed then and what you need now are different. Maybe you can't keep hanging on Bella's instructions, you know? What about Him?" She peeks up at the ceiling.

Christ. She's right.

What about my own advice? What about that last homily I gave before Bella left me? About paths and guidance and letting God show me the way.

Sure, Bella was right back then. She was right to tell me to go figure my shit out. Now that I have, where does that leave me? Where does it leave us?

"Are you telling me I should go back on my word?"

"I'm going to tell you the same damn thing I told her." Alice catches herself raising her voice and takes a deep breath. She puts a hand over mine. "Let yourself imagine what could happen if you did. Stop putting up silly walls."

"I'd-" My eyes catch the time on the microwave. "Shit. I have less than twenty minutes to get to work."

Alice squeezes my hand, then starts to pack up her books. "You need to slow down. You're gonna burn yourself out. Some people think it's cliché, but we all need a night out every now and then."

"Can't," I tell her while I stack my things. "And I already tried the night out, Alice. Major fail." I shiver and push memories of last night out of my head. "Besides, the sooner I get this degree, the sooner I can be more than a staffer over at Ascension House."

Alice sighs. "I really miss you at Mass, but you're gonna make an even better counselor than you were a priest. And you look…" Alice pauses to look me over. "Happy."

"I am, Alice." For the most part. "Thank you, by the way."

"Me?" She looks genuinely surprised. "For what?"

"You've been a good friend. You were hard-core honest with me when I tried to wallow in self pity once. You did it again today."

She ducks her head then throws her arms around my neck.

"I'm just glad you didn't stay over in Europe for the rest of your life."

"Never would have happened."

As the door closes behind Alice, I do what she suggested. I let myself imagine Bella here, in the living room, waiting for me on the couch after her sister leaves. Maybe she's playing her guitar, or writing a new song. Maybe she's playing with the kitten, or trying to convince me to take in another one in. One named Fury.

I'd say yes, by the way. After a little bit of convincing.

I imagine taking a seat next to her, watching her for a few moments before pushing some hair away from her neck and kissing her there, wrapping my arms around her. Taking off her clothes. Taking off mine. Spending days on end, naked, practicing… perfecting.

I see us drinking together without apologizing first. I see us telling each other everything without having to ask anything. Telling her I love her, and hearing her say it back.

I imagine a full life with her. And I fucking want it.

I want all of it.

Then I let myself imagine something else.

I imagine she wants it too.

xXxXxXxXx

Bella

I'm jumpy as I ride the B train to my old 'hood. It has nothing to do with the subway. I've been riding the train my whole life. I'm not too worried about being recognized. After all, I'm still not Fergie famous. Or Janis, for fuck's sake. I can handle a selfie or two.

My nerves are all Alice's fault.

I haven't stopped thinking about Edward since she left my place. It's taken a ridiculous amount of energy to avoid thoughts of Edward. So giving in was easy. For the first time in almost a year, I just let my imagination go.

When I was in Target, I thought about which sheets I'd like for our bed. Which pillows I'd like Edward to slide underneath my hips while he got down and dirty with First Corinthians. Which towels I'd like to see wrapped around Edward's waist. Which towels I'd like him to pull off me.

I took a quick break after making the bed to really think things over. It was the kind of thinking that happens with a hand down your pants and a bible verse on your lips.

On my walk to the train, I saw the coffee shop where Edward and I would read the paper on lazy Sunday mornings, the little cafe where we'd share a glass of wine and play rounds of ask me anything, the park where we'd take... our kid.

Yeah, in my dreams, I was willing to sacrifice my nipples. In my dreams, Edward and I eventually have a little girl with big hazel eyes. She wears a Captain Marvel costume as she toddles through the tot lot, but Edward loves her just the same.

Here on the train I remember our ride into Manhattan like it was yesterday - all the awkwardness and sexual tension - and I imagine doing it all over again. We could go see Emily the next time she's at Bowery. This time we'd kiss as we watched from the balcony. Backstage I'd tell Emily he's taken all over again - this time because he's mine. We'd get a little carried away and she'd make fun and tell us to get a room.

I gasp as I realize I just made that room. Our bed's all ready. There's only one thing missing. One person. One priest.

"Edward," I sigh.

I find myself glancing at the doors of the train with every stop, like I half expect to see him walk on in. Of course, it's not going to happen. Edward's about four thousand miles away in Italy.

I may not ask anyone in my family about Edward, but I cheat every now and then.

It's not easy. The man keeps a hella low profile online. He's not on Insta. He doesn't have a Facebook account. I know because I've snooped through every single contact of every single member of my family.

The Diocese of Queens and Brooklyn has a website, though. I found a post in their archives from last September thanking 'Beloved Father Edward' for his service and wishing him well abroad. About four months ago I found another post on their website about Bishop Whitlock's visit to Rome, including a picture of the bishop and Edward as they stand outside the Vatican. Both of them are wearing collars, of course. Because they're both priests.

I pull out my phone and pull up the pic. I keep the tab open on my browser. I've also saved the pic to my photos.

It looks like Alice is right. He looks really good. He looks happy. He seems more relaxed than I remember ever seeing him. A little more tan. So fucking hot.

I run a thumb over the picture of his face, then close my eyes. I start from the beginning. In my head I sit down in his dark, dank box and ask for forgiveness. I try to remember the way he sounded when he chuckled, but I'm not sure I'm remembering it right. I only know how it made me feel - like I wasn't alone.

My phone buzzes in my hands and I jump a little. It's Alec.

I take it back. Deny Janis all you want. Check out these comments. They. Are. Everything.

He follows the text with a link to my interview on FUV's website. There are already hundreds of comments. People argue back and forth about how I'm either the second coming of Janis Joplin or nothing like her at all.

All except one person seem to have strong opinions one way or the other. Over the past year, I've noticed TeamStark001 commenting a lot. He's one of a handful of Avengers fans who follow me. Today, TeamStark001 doesn't have an opinion about whether or not I sound like Janis Joplin.

TeamStark001 likes city beaches better than the Hamptons.

My chest tingles. I flip back to the picture of Edward and Jasper. My mind's probably playing tricks on me with all the daydreaming Alice has me doing. He's priesting out in Rome. Of course, priests do have WiFi - Edward made that clear. Romans have Internet access too.

I decide to take Alice's advice again. I imagine Edward following my career online - finding his path without completely letting me go. I stare at TeamStark001's name and I go a step further. I hope it's him. I'm just about to play the interview all over again to hear what Edward might have when the conductor announces my stop.

I sling my guitar over my shoulder as I step off the train and notice a familiar pair of broad shoulders about two cars ahead of me on the platform. The baby stroller the big guy's pushing leaves no doubt who it is.

"Emmett! Eddie!" I dodge past people as my brother in-law scans the crowd. When he spots me, a huge grin lights up his face.

"Shit! Bella! How the hell are you?" He picks me up and spins me around. People scowl as they duck out of the way and walk around us.

"I'm good now," I tell him. "It's so fuckin' good to be home." I kneel down in front of Little Eddie.

"Ba!" he tells me. "Ba! Ba!" He kicks his chubby legs and pulls at the latch holding him in place.

"You are so big. You almost look like a real person."

"Ba! Ba!" He reaches his hands out to me. He's wearing the Converse I sent him a few weeks ago. They're the right size.

I can't hold myself back and immediately start unbuckling my godson from the stroller

"Yo, hold on tight," Emmett warns. "Put him down for a second and he's gonna take right off and end up playing with rats on the third rail or something."

Eddie's fucking heavy and squirms in my arms as we walk down the stairs to street level. This might not have been the brightest idea in the world.

"You're a runner?" I ask him. Eddie's eyes go wide. After changing color a few times since he was born, they've settled to a pale shade of gray-green. It's a nice color for eyes.

My godson grabs the chain around my neck, then something else catches his attention. Two something elses, to be exact. The kid's hands go right for the girls and he holds on tight. It's not the first time someone's tried to cop a feel on this stretch of road, but he's definitely the youngest guy to try it.

"Where were you two coming from?" I ask my brother-in-law as I tangle with a pint-sized groper.

Em suddenly looks very interested in his phone.

"Oh, you know. Visiting. Friends. Lunch. That kind of thing," he says as he taps out a quick text.

His brow furrows. His thumbs move quicker. He sighs in frustration.

"That Rose?" I ask.

He looks up at me, surprised. "What? No. That was…"

I eye him suspiciously.

"Nobody," he finally says.

"Nobody?"

"Yeah, you know… Nobody."

"Ooh-kay." I laugh. If he wasn't toting Eddie around, I'd almost think he was having an affair. "You seem kind of... off."

"I'm just rushing. Trying to book it home so we wouldn't miss you."

Which is weird. "I'm gonna see you tonight one way or another."

Rose and Emmett have tickets for tonight's gig. Tuesday, Alice and Jane will see me at the next bar on the tour. Angie's got a date for next Thursday's show. Mom and Dad are going to see me on Friday.

Emmett sighs. "Yeah, about that…"

I stop in my tracks. "Emmett McCarty! You are not skipping my opening night. I know you're not saying-"

"No, no, no. It's just... I mean, I was hoping to do something big for Rosie tonight. You know? Lately we haven't been seeing eye to eye on things."

"Oh." I had no idea.

"How would you feel about that?"

"About you and Rose arguing? It sucks. You two are like the perfect couple."

"No, dude. About romantic gestures. Very big romantic gestures."

As far as I know, all of Emmett's romantic gestures involve karaoke. "I'm not doing an Islands in the Stream duet with you, Emmett. Sorry. No dice."

"I was thinking bigger than that, sis. Like" -he holds his hands out from each other as far as they'll reach- "Lost in Love big."

Emmett stares down at me with such hope. He looks like he's holding his breath. I get it. I can only imagine how much he must be hurting, but there's got to be another way for him to smooth things over with my big sister.

"I love you both, Em, but I don't think I can sing that song. You've got to understand."

Emmett takes a deep breath. He looks determined.

"You wouldn't get, I don't know, tripped up tonight if I did something like that. Would you?"

"I have literally no idea what you're asking me. Are you planning on singing Lost in Love?" That would be… something.

Emmett seems to reconsider what he's asking. "Let me put this another way. On a scale of one to ten, how focused are you up there on stage?"

"On a scale of one to ten, how focused are you when you rescue someone from a burning building?"

He nods his head, impressed. "Nice. Gotcha. Very focused. Alice doesn't know what she's talking about."

"I still don't know what the fuck you're talking about, you weirdo." This fight with Rose must have him really messed up. "But I'll do what I can. As long as it doesn't involve you singing, or that song."

Eddie wriggles in my arms and I lower him to the ground and clutch his hand. He takes a few unsteady steps, then plops down on the sidewalk and pouts.

"Come on, little fella," Em says as he plucks Eddie up and buckles him back into the stroller against his will.

He looks beyond worried as he peeks over at me. "You know we want you to be happy, right?"

"As opposed to me being unhappy?" I laugh, but Emmett seems very serious. He rolls the stroller into my path, blocking the sidewalk, and forcing me to stop again.

"We've all got your best interests at heart, Bella. We're behind you one hundred percent."

"Emmett, are you dying. Is Rose dying? Am I dying?"

"Check back with me tomorrow?" he asks with a nervous laugh, then swings the stroller around so we can walk again.

Silence weighs on me and Emmett as we leave the main road and head toward their house. My brother-in-law keeps sneaking looks at me out of the corner of his eye. He opens his mouth, then seems to think better of it and takes a long swig from Eddie's sippy cup instead.

"Is this some kind of set-up? Is there a reality TV crew from TLC in your living room?"

"No cameras. But I should warn you, Liam made you a fish cake and frosted it with tartar sauce."

Emmett and I both make a face. As we walk up the path to the house, we can already hear kids shouting. Something inside crashes and I'm actually excited to dive into the chaos.

"Avengers assemble!" a little kid screams at the top of his lungs. I walk a little faster. It's been too fucking long.

"You ready for this insanity?" Emmett asks.

"I've been waiting for it since the day I left."

xXxXxXxXx

Edward

Ascension House has only been around for about five years. Riley, the guy who runs it, is still pretty young himself. He used to be Catholic until he decided he couldn't take the stringent rules trickling down from the Pope. He founded Ascension House as the one and only Protestant run boys home in the area since the 1800s.

The guy's made me feel like I'm part of a family here. He has my back and he trusts me, especially when it comes to dealing with the kids.

I was worried when I first came back from Italy. I thought people wouldn't want to hire an ex-priest. I'm pretty sure Riley hired me specifically because of that fact.

"Am not." I notice Tyler, a newer resident, looks particularly frustrated tonight as I walk in the front door.

I toss my bag down onto the stairs and keep an eye on him as he argues with Danny, a boy a few years younger than him. He's been here long enough to know better than to antagonize someone who's got anger issues.

"Are too," Danny replies with just enough attitude to make Tyler's face turn red.

Uh oh.

"Am NOT!" Tyler shouts.

"Are…. tooo," Danny practically sings like he's trying to get his ass kicked.

I head down the hallway toward them.

Danny rolls his eyes like he's a badass. Since he hasn't quite learned the art of walking away, it's not exactly working for him.

"Am... not," Tyler insists. His jaw clenches. He balls his hands into fists.

"Such a fucking idiot," Danny mumbles. He's usually much more intelligent than this.

Christ. Now, I run.

"Yeah?" Tyler gives him a warning punch on the arm. I can tell it hurt by the shock and awe on Danny's face.

"Ow, jackass." Danny pushes Tyler hard. I grab Tyler by the collar just before he can take a swing at Danny's face.

"What the fuck is happening here?"

Danny waves an arm at nothing. "He's constantly coming in after hours, Edward. Then he's up another two texting some girl. I get no sleep. I have classes first thing in the morning. I can't be up all hours because this dumbass wants to get laid."

"Fuck you," Tyler spews. "You're just jealous 'cause no one's popped your tiny little cherry yet."

Danny takes a step toward him.

I make them stand against the walls opposite each other.

"And he stole my earbuds again."

"Maybe they're just lost, like your tiny little-"

"Ohhh-kay, guys." I give Danny a warning look, one he knows by now. "Take a walk. Clear your head. We'll find your earbuds later."

"But-"

"Maybe you'd rather I send you over to Glenn for some push-ups?"

Danny holds his hands up and practically stomps away. Works every time with him. He hates physical activity.

Once he's gone, I turn to Tyler. "You can't keep hitting people."

"Kid's a fuckin' know-it-all."

"Yeah." I breathe out a sigh and lean up against the wall. I could use a smoke. "Well, regardless..."

He waits a beat as he stares down the hallway at nothing.

"Something up?" I ask him.

"I'm not a dumbass."

"I agree."

"I just really like this girl and Danny keeps getting in my way."

"Okay."

"Am I in trouble?"

"Probably. Does she like you back?"

He shrugs. Smirks.

"Definitely in trouble."

Tyler finally lets himself relax. He damn near laughs, which is a lot for him.

Finally. An open door.

I glance upward.

Thanks.

"I have some experience with that," I tell him.

"Girls?"

"Trouble," I say. He laughs again. So do I before admitting, "And girls."

Two girls. It qualifies.

"Dude, you don't even know. Lany is the GOAT. She's got me all shook. And she's so snatched, man. No way she's anything like whoever you're talking about."

No, I can't imagine she is. Mainly because I have no idea what he just said.

I point to the kitchen. "Go help with dinner. I'll come find you after and we can talk if you want." Right after I Google every word he used.

Tyler nods and heads down the hall. He takes his time. He hates cooking. It's cool. Life lessons and all.

This is what I love about this job. Not the kids getting into it, but making a difference in their lives. They get into it because it's all they know. It's all I knew when I was their age. I get it.

Every day, I'm reminded I'm where I'm supposed to be - working at a place like this, for a guy like Riley, who gives kids a chance to make something better of themselves. And what the job lacks in pay, it makes up for in challenges.

Like de-escalating fights between a couple of stubborn teenagers.

Before checking in with Riley, I take a quiet moment to thank God for his hand in my life. For placing me here. For the satisfaction it brings me.

When I was young, I needed some guidance. I can't deny the fact that the church helped me. I learned a lot about God and what He means to me. That led me to the priesthood. To St. Mary's.

To Bella. Who, ultimately, led me to where I am today.

Ex-priest, student, mentor, and die hard Marvel comic book geek.

I didn't choose these things instead of God. I'm all of them because of Him. Alongside Him.

My life has come full circle. My tower's being built, brick by brick, class by class. Shift by shift.

The only thing that's still missing is its heart.

Riley peeks out from his office. "Edward, you staying late again tonight? Trish called in sick."

He looks desperate.

Fuck. I'm tired. But when has that ever stopped me before?

I shove my hands into my pockets, ready to commit myself, when I feel the envelope Emmett gave me earlier.

I stare at it for a hot second and check the time. It's well past five, so I open it up and find a note.

It's been long enough.

I can't imagine what the hell he's talking about. Not until I see what the note was wrapped around.

My heart pounds. My breathing shallows. I go slightly lightheaded when I see not one, but four really fucking good reasons why I won't be staying late tonight or the rest of the week.

Four extremely clear signs from God, once again, that I'm on the right path.

"I don't think so." I pull my cell out to snap a picture and text it to Marco.

"Pleeeeease?" Riley clasps his hands together like he's praying. He thinks that's the way to my heart, which, in some ways, it is. Only not this time. I've said way more prayers than he has about this.

"Can't," I tell him, unable to wipe the smile from my face, even if I wanted to. And I'm not sorry. Not even a little fucking bit.

"Come onnnnn. It's not like you have a life."

He's teasing. I forgive him.

"Tonight I do. I've got a thing."

"What-" then he sees what I'm holding. "You're shitting me."

"I shit you not."

"How the hell did you score those? It sold out weeks ago."

"Luck I guess?" I tell him, even though I know it's much more than that.

It's Faith.

I slide the envelope back into my pocket. I thank God for the Swan family, giving me what I need, exactly when I need it.

I start counting down the minutes until my shift is over.

This time, when I let my imagination run wild, it's not about what might have happened. It's about what's going to happen.

I'm going to see her. I'm going to tell her I've missed her like crazy. And I'm going to let her know I don't want to spend another minute without her in my life.

And if I'm lucky, then I'm going to take her home.