Summary


SUMMARY: She was clearly in pain. She clearly needed help. How could I deny her? How could I ignore the distress of a child of God? I couldn't. And that was my downfall.

BxE AH AU of the spiritual kind

A collaboration between Belladonnacullen & FictionFreak95.

Please note that we don't own Twilight, or Catholic prayers, this is simply a work of fanfiction.

(originally posted to FF.net 01.13.2020)


Chapter 24 - Reconcilliation

 

Chapter 24. Reconciliation

Bella


I slip into Jane's apartment, careful not to make too much noise as I turn the lock and click the deadbolt back into place. Safely inside, I lean against the door and try to catch my breath. Then I hold the collar of Edward's clerical shirt up to my nose, and take a deep breath. It's like I can feel his stubble against my cheek and his hands over my ass all over again.

Then a light switches on over the couch, and I see Alice sitting there with a mug of tea.

"Ohmygod!"

Alice's mouth drops open. "Is that… his shirt?"

"Were you waiting up for me?"

"Don't even try to tell me you were fellowshipping." She pats the couch next to her and grins.

I wrap my arms around myself like it might hide the truth as I make my way around piles of unpacked boxes. I take a seat as far away from my sister on the little couch as possible. It's not like I have anywhere else to go. Jane's couch is my bed at the moment.

Alice sips her tea but keeps her eyes on me, waiting patiently for me to say something.

"We got a bite. You know?" I hear myself explain. "Since I skipped pizza with you and Jane. Then it rained."

Alice arches an eyebrow. I stare at my hands in my lap and feel like I'm fifteen.

"Remember what I was saying about our family and secrets?" she asks. "Like just a couple days ago? And you said they were all out in the open?"

I glance at Alice. She nods her head in encouragement.

"Did you… did you, um... know that our sister... Rosalie's a nudist?"

Alice almost drops the mug in her lap. "What?"

I immediately feel bad. "Maybe not one hundred percent nudist, but she showed everyone her boobs the other day. Me, Mom, even Mrs. McCarty."

Alice laughs. "Did she show you her ragged nipples?" We both shudder. I suddenly feel sick.

"Promise me you'll never show me your ragged nipples?" I beg.

Alice looks at me like I've lost my mind, and we both dissolve into a fit of giggles. I'm relieved she plans to keep her nipples to herself.

Eventually the laughter fades away though, and Alice stares me down again. She knits her brows and wags a finger. "You've got to be honest with me if you're staying under my roof, young lady."

Then she cracks just the hint of a smile.

I shrug. "It's actually Jane's roof, so…"

Alice sighs, frustration forcing its way to the surface. "I told you like my deepest, darkest secrets, Bella."

"Like hell you did. Jane is pure goodness and light."

Alice doesn't seem swayed. She waits quietly with her tea like this is a sisterly version of a sit-in. Then it occurs to me I have no idea why I'm holding back. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I can trust my little sister with anything.

"Well... " I swallow. My phone vibrates in my hand. I glance down and it's a text from Edward.

One more question?

K - I write back.

Can I kiss you again sometime?

My cheeks burn. My body aches. I think back to the things he said he wanted to do to me, back to our never ending make-out session. Then I glance at the bathroom door - wide open and inviting. The only privacy possible.

"Ahem." Alice clears her throat, and I stash my cell out of the way before I have a chance to reply to Edward.

"Spill, Bella."

I close my eyes and bow my head. "Iminlovewithapriest."

When Alice doesn't say anything, I open an eye and peek across the couch. Her mouth is hanging open.

"Alice?"

"You're, um… what?"

"I don't know what I am, but he's so fuckin' fine, Alice. And he's, like, so good. To everyone around him. To you, to our family. To the whole neighborhood. And he's such a geek. And he's funny. And the way he kisses..."

Alice jumps so she's practically kneeling on the couch. "Hold the phone, Bella. Kisses? Like you've kissed Father Edward? More than once?"

I nod my head. I fiddle with the edge of my tee shirt.

"What does this mean?"

All of the fluttering feelings in my chest fall to the pit of my stomach. "I don't know," I admit. "I just know I've never felt this way before. We've both tried to end whatever it is between us, but we each keep coming back to it. I think he makes me a better person."

Alice shakes her head. "Nope."

"He doesn't?"

"Nuh uh," she says.

Well shit, if Alice thinks I'm unsalvageable… "Like, you think I should walk away?"

Alice places her mug on the stack of books next to the couch, then takes my hand in hers. "You were always a good person, Bella. If anything, Father Edward just helps you see it in yourself."

For the first time in my entire life, I think back to a priest's homily. This past Sunday, Edward said that sometimes it's impossible for us to see the good in ourselves, and that it can get in the way of seeing it in others. He said there are good parts and imperfect parts in each of us, but it's all okay.

Alice beams at me from the other side of the couch. If I didn't know it before, after this trip home, I'm absolutely certain she's the best. And Jane's the second best, just behind Alice. Rose is better than I would have imagined. And maybe all this time there's been a little part of me that's good too.

"So, the real deal?" Alice asks "Like love love?"

I nod my head again. "I think so."

Alice squeals. I finally smile, and it's a relief to let my emotions show. Suddenly, I can't hide my smile even if I tried. My cheeks practically ache from smiling so wide. I feel its effects reaching up to my scalp and down to my toes. I tingle all over. My palms sweat. I wipe them on my jeans, and it feels like sparks should be flying everywhere I touch.

For a heady moment, I remember what it felt like when Edward's hands touched my bare thighs. How it might feel to have him touch everywhere else.

"Did you tell him?" Alice asks. My cheeks sting like they're on fire.

"Tell him what?"

"Did you tell Father, I mean Edward that you love him?"

"Oh my God, no!"

"But why?" she groans.

"Well, first of all, he's a priest. Second of all, he's celibate."

Alice narrows her eyes. "Is he still?"

I cringe. "I think so?" I'm not quite sure where celibacy ends and kissing begins.

"Ha!" Alice laughs out loud. She covers her mouth and it looks like she has to put all her effort into keeping a straight face. "You and a freakin' priest."

"If any of us was going to besmirch a man of the cloth, it was probably going to be me."

"There are worse people you could love," she decides with a hopeful smile. "Father Edward's really wonderful. Like, a really nice guy. Through and through."

"He is. But…"

"But he's a priest," she says, finishing my sentence.

"Not to mention I'm leaving on Sunday."

"So what are you going to do?"

"I have no fucking idea."

xXxXx

Can I kiss you again sometime?

I stare at the text as I cuddle underneath a pile of blankets on Jane's pullout. I try to think of an answer I can live with. I must start and stop texting a reply about five dozen times. Then I erase everything and start all over again.

Are you going to keep me guessing? He texts. I never pegged you for cruel.

How do you know I'm still awake?

You've been drafting a response for the past hour.

I giggle but then lower my voice. The walls of the apartment are paper thin. There are some things I'd prefer to keep private.

I think I'm going to leave it up to you - I reply and hit send.

I already told you what I'd like

Yeah, he did. As we sat in a crowded restaurant, his eyes never left mine except to dip toward my chest as filthy words fell from his lips. I can't wait to settle into bed and think about it repeatedly.

Then it sounds like we're definitely going to kiss again

Fuck - he texts.

I can't even bring myself to ask if it's back on the table. I don't think I could handle it if he said no, and I think I might burst into flames if he said yes.

Nite - I reply instead.

Sweet dreams, Bella.

xXxXx

The next day, I wake to a good morning text from Edward and a million and one messages from my manager. Alec's lined up online interviews and call-ins to radio shows. He's hounding me for new pics and wants to talk about re-recording Lust. He's got updates on Mike and even lets slip that Jess headed back home for the time being.

"What does that matter?"

Alec laughs, probably because I sound so casual. Maybe because I sound sober. I sip at my mug of Raspberry Zinger and decide it needs another spritz of lemon.

"Yeah. Right." He chuckles. "Just thought you'd be interested to know."

"I don't care, Alec." I reply without thinking, but holy shit. It's the God's honest truth.

Sure, I feel a pang of embarrassment about the way I carried on, especially after things between me and Mike fell apart. But I'm excited to get out there and try to do better the second time around.

Glancing out at the cloudless blue Brooklyn sky, I thank God I even have a second chance.

Thanks, God.

Alec lets it drop. Instead, he tells me how he's listened to all the tracks I've uploaded to Soundcloud this past week. Then he starts to get really worked up. He practically shouts with excitement as Alice and Jane walk over and around me trying to unpack the rest of my sister's belongings.

I hold the phone away from my ear and try to take my business to the bathroom, but accidentally trip over a pile of Alice's bible-themed Funko pops in the process.

Suddenly there's Raspberry Zinger everywhere - splattered over the floor, trickling down the wall, drenching a pile of paperbacks, running in rivulets down Jane's face and over her shirt.

I try to apologize. Jane smiles through clenched teeth as Alice vaults over boxes and dodges the unmade foldout to get some dishtowels.

The apartment is too small for the three of us. Especially when one of us is me.

After I help clean up, I clear out for the rest of the day and turn a table at a coffee shop into my office. By the time I come up for air, I've scheduled every waking minute of my life from the time I step off the plane Monday morning. I've never heard Alec sound this excited, at least not in a good way. Not while he's talking about me.

My stomach rumbles and I pack up and set out in search of a slice. And for God's sake, maybe a beer. As I turn a corner onto Bedford Avenue, I see St. Mary's in the distance.

I have an idea.

xXxXx

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been two days since my last confession."

Edward's laughter echoes through the church.

"You were just here."

"It's been two very long days. Plenty of time for a sinner like me to unleash my evil on the world."

"Fair enough." I see his silhouette leaning forward toward the grate. "Did you bring another list?"

"Didn't need one this time. I haven't been able to stop thinking about any of it. I couldn't forget it if I tried."

I think I see Edward run a finger under his collar like it's too tight.

"Tell me about it." He says it low, like he's afraid God is listening in.

I glance at the ceiling of the confessional. Sorry in advance. Maybe you should cover your ears or something.

Edward clears his throat. I'm not about to admit to him I'm praying again. Instead I take a breath and decide to tell the truth.

I drop to my knees so my lips are closer to the partition. "I've had impure thoughts about this guy who took me out last night," I whisper.

I think I hear a whispered 'fuck' but it's little more than a breath.

"Yeah. Exactly. I was up half the night," I admit.

"Me too."

Two words and my whole body tingles. I feel the tips of my nipples strain against my lacy bra.

I imagine Edward lying in bed thinking about me and I have to grab the little ledge underneath the partition for support. I know what finally got me to sleep and I wonder if priests do that too. At least the priest on the other side of this confessional. Does he touch himself and think of me?

"Your turn to tell me about it?" I ask.

Edward groans. "This is your confession, Bella."

"Fine, you tease. So this guy. I absolutely lo-" I catch myself just in time. "He told me he wants to get me naked, Father."

"It's not your fault he lays awake at night and dreams about worshipping you."

"He does?"

Edward slides to his knees so his face is inches from mine. I hear him sigh. "He does," he murmurs. "Among other things."

"Jesus -"

"- Christ," he adds.

The two of us sit for a minute, just kind of staring at each other's silhouettes. The church is really quiet. I can practically hear the statues of saints whispering to the Virgin Mother about us.

"Tell me something?" Edward asks, breaking the silence.

"You can ask me anything, Father."

"What are you wearing today?"

I laugh out loud. "What?"

"You asked me the same thing a week ago. Fair is fair."

I glance down at myself and try to think of a way to make it in the least bit interesting. "Nothing too exciting. Jeans, a black t-shirt. I've got my jacket tied around my waist. It was warm outside."

"Anything else?"

His shadow doesn't move at all. It looks like he's holding his breath. I know I am.

I'm about to describe my bra, but in a stroke of inspiration I have another idea. With a swivel, a clip, and a tug, I thread my arms through straps and let it drop into my waiting hand. Then I hold the black lace up so maybe he can see. "Nothing. Nothing at all."

Edward's forehead falls against the screen, and I hear something like the rustle of fabric and a strangled growl. It makes the confessional vibrate, or maybe it's just me shivering. Little copper hairs push through the grate. I run my fingertips over them before brushing them with my lips so they tickle.

"What're you doing after this, Father? Want to get out of here?"

His office is just through a door and down the hall. His desk is surprisingly accommodating. Not to mention, there's a whole world outside the doors of St. Mary's.

"I can't." He sighs. "I have dinner with Jasper and the deacons." He sounds devastated.

"Stupid, sexy, tease."

"Rain check?" he asks. He lifts his head. His fingers press against mine.

"Text me tonight?"

He chuckles. "It's not like I'll be sleeping."

"Maybe I could let you in on what, um, I do to get myself to sleep?"

"Fuck." The word hangs in the air between us.

My legs feel a little weak as I stand and shove my bra into my jacket pocket. "Later?" I ask. "Like later, later. After Alice and Jane are asleep. I can text you."

"I'd like that. A lot."

The church is empty when I step out of the confessional. Slanting rays of the setting sun shine through stained glass. I slip my arms into my jacket because it's easier than trying to put a bra on in the sanctuary. As I make my way toward the exit, I linger near the votive candles flickering at the feet of the Virgin Mother. And, for a fleeting second, I think about kneeling and asking for help. Because what the fuck am I supposed to do with these feelings for a priest?

"What the fucking fuck, Mary?" I whisper as I bow my head.

"Sure sounds like a prayer to me," I hear from just behind me.

I spin around to find Edward grinning down at me. His eyes sparkle like the stained glass overhead. He peers past me, then glances over his shoulder. Before I can ask what he's doing, he takes the back of my head in his hand and pulls my mouth to his. His lips part as a hand slides around my waist, then up my back and underneath my shirt.

His thumb grazes the side of my breast and it's not enough. Not even close. I try to press myself into his hand, but it's gone before I'm even sure it was there.

I whimper into his mouth.

"Later?" he asks, half panting, his forehead resting against mine.

My eyes flit from his face to the bulge in his pants and back. "Looking forward to it."

And with another quick kiss, I get the hell out of there, because wooden pews have never looked so inviting.

xXxXx

I stumble out into the world and shield my eyes from the rays of the setting sun. It's all too bright. I'm too turned on. I don't even remember where I was headed before I was sidetracked by confession and a kiss.

A shadow falls over me. "Alice said I might find you here."

My heart skips a beat as I turn around to see my dad standing there. He's got a hardhat in one hand and a tool belt hanging from his hips. A hopeful smile on his face. "I believed her too. It looks like you might be double Catholic after all."

"Alice?" I ask.

My dad grins. "Finally called me back. Even coming over for dinner tomorrow."

"Did she tell you about -?"

"She says her new place is kinda small. Nice of her friend to put you up. I was worried about you two."

Dad looks me over from head to toe and I tug my jacket closed. He doesn't need to know I'm not wearing a bra. Then I stuff my hand in my pocket just to make sure he doesn't figure out where it ended up.

"Guess you were right. I am just like Great Aunt Sylvia. Hanging out with priests on the daily."

"You know she was a musician too?" he asks, as I fall into step beside him.

"Yeah?"

"Played the organ for church choir. She liked hymns. Maybe not exactly the way you like 'em."

I glance up at my dad, but he's looking off toward gulls circling over the water.

He's heard Lust. I'm bowled over that he found me online. At the same time I'm scared to death about what he must think.

"You're not what I expected," he says, still looking toward the bay. "Never were."

"Trouble," I offer. "A mess. Sorry."

"Your mom and I thought we got all the kinks out with Rose. But that girl was just born to please us. You came along and we saw the truth - we didn't know what we were doing. It's a hard thing to come face to face with."

Dad won't look at me. I'm still kinda mad at him, but I wish he'd wrap his arm around my shoulders like he usually does on our walks after work.

"I wish I was better for you, Bella. I fall fucking short again and again. I shoulda' stuck up for you the other night with your mom and Angie."

"Dad, you don't ha-"

"But you need to go easy on the booze," he says, talking over me. "You're still a kid. And your liver's gotta hold out long enough for you to tour."

I roll my eyes "It shouldn't take long to tour Brooklyn. I think my liver can deal."

Dad smiles down at me. "With that voice like yours, I can't be selfish. I can't keep you here as much as I want. I'll try to figure out how to let you go and be supportive at the same time, okay?"

"Mom's not gonna like it."

"Your mom's had some time to think." Dad nods across the street, and I see her sitting on our front steps, clutching a wine glass in her hands. She's not usually one to drink before dinner.

What about her liver?

"I'm sorry I'm not what you wanted, Dad," I tell him in all seriousness.

"You're better. Something I didn't know I wanted 'til I had it."

He wraps his arms around me and holds me so tight that I can barely breathe. So hard that he lifts my feet off the ground a couple of inches. When he lets me go, he pretends he doesn't see a lacy black strap hanging out of my pocket. I shove it back in place and let him take my hand and lead me through the front gates toward Mom.

She presses her lips together as I get closer. I feel her eyes zero in on my chest like she knows about my undergarment situation, even through the jacket. She always knows. Mom stands up as we get closer. I'm grateful Dad's still holding my hand. I wasn't prepared to argue this evening, especially not about underwear, but at least he's got my back.

Dad squeezes my fingers for reassurance.

"Hey, Mom," I say and brace for disapproval.

She places her wine glass on the cement step besides her like she's getting ready for an all out brawl.

Then she takes a step in my direction.

And gives me a hug like she's making up for lost time.


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