Summary


SUMMARY: She was clearly in pain. She clearly needed help. How could I deny her? How could I ignore the distress of a child of God? I couldn't. And that was my downfall.

BxE AH AU of the spiritual kind

A collaboration between Belladonnacullen & FictionFreak95.

Please note that we don't own Twilight, or Catholic prayers, this is simply a work of fanfiction.

(originally posted to FF.net 01.13.2020)


Chapter 26 - Revelations

 

Chapter 26. Revelations

Father Cullen

Standing on the front porch of the Swan's home, away from St. Mary's and the rectory, apart from Jasper, even Bella, my mind settles along with the night.

My thoughts drift. They morph.

I doubt. I pray.

I'm trying to understand this, God. Really, I am.

Wanting Bella the way I do, much less acting on those desires is against church beliefs. I know that. I took vows. And I meant them. But fuck, I can't get her out of my head. Or my heart.

Jesus. This should be complicated. I should be begging for God's forgiveness. But after everything that's happened between us the past few days, it doesn't feel complicated. Or like any of it needs forgiveness.

It feels more like I'm meeting her family for the first time and less like I'm their designated priest.

I almost think I'm here under false pretenses and maybe I should leave. But when Renee showed up at my office, asking for moral support as she tries to make things right with her daughters, I couldn't say no.

Not when she told me she searched her heart and sought Bella out. She may not have exactly apologized, but she did the best she could. It's a step in the right direction.

She even asked her to dinner tonight.

Which will make this the first time Bella and I have seen each other in person since we kissed in the sanctuary.

She's been busy helping Alice get settled, finding a place of her own to stay for the next few nights, dealing with her career. And I've had meeting after meeting, call after call. Including one with the diocese over in Italy about a tiny little parish the size of St. Mary's.

I saw her at confession where she took off her bra.

We've texted. And FaceTime was...

Christ, FaceTime.

Actually, maybe Christ should stay out of it. Because when I think about last night, some of the things we said… what we did… and how absolutely sexy she looks wearing only my clerical shirt…

It's the most blasphemous thing I've ever seen. And I'd give anything to see it again. In person.

My fantasy is abruptly interrupted and I nearly jump when the door swings open.

Charlie smiles wide. He's much happier than he was the other day and maybe a sheet or three to the wind.

"Heeeey, Father, come on in." He waves his free hand. The other holds a can of Budweiser. "Can I get you a drink? Renee's just getting everything ready."

Behind him, the house hums with the sound of a large family talking all at once.

I imagine Bella, somewhere in the middle of it all. I wonder if she's uncomfortable like the last time we were here together. I wonder if she's been drinking like the last time. Then I wonder if her hair's up or down. Is she all covered up, maybe wearing that flannel from the other day, or maybe just a tank top?

I try not to think about the bra.

I definitely don't think about her taking it off.

Now that I think about it, I could use a fucking drink.

"What's on the menu?"

"Wine," Charlie tells me as I follow him down the hall. Then he holds his beer up to me. "Bud, Bud Light if you like that kinda' thing." We round the corner into the dining room as he finishes. "Or something harder if you need it."

I spot Bella immediately. She's sitting at the far end of the dining room table, laughing at something that's just between her and Alice. Angela and Ben are just on the other side of the table, but Rose and Emmett's kids are running and jumping between them like a buffer.

When Bella looks up and sees me, her eyes nearly light up the entire house.

For the record, her hair's pulled back in a ponytail. The tatt is in full view and she's wearing the flannel again. I think it's on purpose. It's unbuttoned enough that I know she's not wearing a tank top. The jury's still out on a bra.

"Got any Bourbon?" I ask Charlie, unable to take my eyes off of his daughter.

He laughs and pats me on the shoulder before he nods to Emmett. It seems like he's the designated bartender for the night. "Em, get Father a glass of Maker's Mark will ya?"

"On it!" he hollers over the rest of the clan as he plays tug of war with his oldest. Liam's trying to bring a blanket and an enormous, plush Incredible Hulk to the dinner table. Angela and Ben don't think to help. They're too busy whispering. Angela seems anxious. Ben looks like he's five seconds from walking out the door.

Not that Emmett needs assistance. He shows off his multi-tasking skills as he starts to pour a drink while he scrolls through his iPhone with a child hanging from his belt buckle. Then he sets the phone down when Bella's hymn begins to play.

"Hey, have y'all heard this yet?"

I freeze. Bella's face turns white as the driven snow.

"Emmett!" She fights her way through the McCarty kids. They're not making it easy. One of the girls clings to her leg in a fit of giggles.

"What? My baby sis-in-law is the BOMB!" He turns it up and starts bouncing his hand to the beat. His middle son bops along with him, mimicking his every move.

"Oh my God," Bella groans. She looks over at me with an expression like she really wants to say she's sorry, but... she doesn't. Thank God. She shouldn't apologize. Emmett's right. She really is the fucking bomb.

"Emmett McCarty, turn that thing down," Renee commands as she brings out a huge bowl of pasta. He completely ignores her. Instead he picks up Liam and dances around the table with him.

I'm sure he's the only person in the world who could get away with not following Renee's orders.

Rose walks into the dining room with a baby in one hand, a platter of meat in the other. She shakes her head at her husband. But she's also grinning from ear to ear.

I struggle to make my way through the ocean of people, and when I finally come out on the other side, I smile down at the newest member of the McCarty clan. "He looks well."

"He's better than well," Rose agrees. "He's stronger every day. Thank you for everything, Father."

I shake my head because, really, she did all the work.

"Mama?" her daughter asks, tugging her skirt hard enough to almost rip it off. Rose nearly drops the plate she's holding and the baby.

"Want me to…?"

"Yes, please." She hands Patrick over. "I could use a few extra hands."

Jesus, he's adorable and weighs nothing. I cradle him as gently as I can because fuck if he isn't smallest human I've ever seen. I don't want to break him the first time I hold him.

"Hey," I whisper. "Remember me?" He looks like he's trying to place me as he blinks and scowls, followed by a big yawn.

When I look up, Bella's suddenly beside me. "Hi, Eddie. Hey, Buddy."

I try my best at Alice's Swan's patented side-eye because we've covered this. Kissing may be back on the table but calling me Eddie definitely is not.

It turns out, Bella's not talking to me.

"Eddie's the sweetest little thing. Isn't he?" She coos as Patrick grasps her finger. Then she looks at me and smirks.

"Did you really just call him Eddie?"

"What?" She keeps her eyes on the baby. "He loves it. And besides, you and I were fighting at the time…"

I have to laugh. "I'm pretty sure he doesn't love it, Bella." I grin back down at him.

"Maybe he's not as touchy as you are about his name."

"Believe me, no one likes that name."

"There's lots of great Eddies in the world, Edward."

Charlie gives Bella a questioning glance as he slides by us on his way to the living room.

"Like I was saying, Father," she corrects herself quickly. "There's Eddie Money… Eddie Murphy… Eddie Redmayne." She practically sings that last one. I make a mental note to Google him later.

"And don't forget Eddie Vedder... and Eddie Van Halen." Bella giggles. "That's right. Eddie McCarty's gonna go places too. I know it."

I'm pretty scared this kid's nickname is going to stick. Being called Eddie is no laughing matter. Bella's mood is infectious though, so I shake my head and go along with it. Until I catch Alice smiling over at the two of us.

She looks like she has the world's biggest secret, which is saying something - she's been keeping a pretty big secret for years. Then three of the McCarty kids dive at her and knock her to the ground.

"Dinner's ready!" Renee calls and almost trips over the squirming, tickling pile of people.

"Alice!" she hisses, but then she catches my eye and tries to smile. "Would you and the children prefer to eat on the floor?"

Alice scrambles to her feet and rights the chair as Emmett corrals his kids the best he can. Rosalie brings a big gravy boat of marinara to the table and scoops Patrick out of my hands.

Bella is too close when I try to scoot past her. Her breasts brush my chest. Fuck. She's not wearing a bra.

I feel her breath against my neck.

I look down at her and it's all I can do to keep from pushing the hair off of her neck, leaning down, and kissing her. Touching her.

Christ. After last night, it's all I want to do.

"Have a seat, Father," Renee says as she rearranges dishes on the table so she can fit the casserole dish she's brought out. "I have you right next to Charles."

I feel a pang of disappointment that I won't be sitting next to Bella. Even more so when I notice the guy who strolls out of the kitchen holding a big basket of dinner rolls and casually taking the seat next to her.

"Jake, how are you?" I do my best to stay polite, but my smile feels forced. I'm not sure why. Bella's not interested. She said so herself.

I remind myself I'm still a priest. And that being…

Wait.

I'm jealous?

I'm jealous.

Of the man sitting next to Bella. The one her parents apparently love.

Dear God, please give me the strength to control these emotions.

"Doing well," he replies while he helps rearrange some dishes on the table for Renee.

Asking him to switch seats is probably too obvious. Right?

Fuck.

He's nice enough. Polite enough.

"Here ya go, Father." Emmett hands me my drink.

I almost feel bad for finishing it off in one fell swoop, but Emmett gives me a refill without asking. Then he sets the bottle of bourbon next to my glass with a wink. Before I can even say thanks, he's helping wrangle his kids into their seats.

Bless him, Lord.

"Turn that thing off, Emmett," Renee warns her son-in-law with a nod toward his cell - the one playing Lust on repeat. This time he obliges with a playful roll of his eyes.

With everyone finally settled, Bella and I lock eyes. It turns out sitting across from her isn't so bad. We can watch one another all night long.

"Would you say grace for us again, Father?" Renee asks.

Alice clears her throat.

Someone kicks me under the table.

And right, I'm going to have to look away.

"I'd be hap -"

"I'll say grace, Mom," Bella tells her mother, loud and proud. Angela's mouth falls open. Charlie chokes on his Budweiser. Emmett laughs and Rose elbows him, but Renee looks at Bella like she's seeing her for the first time.

I grin like an idiot. Then Bella's eyes flash to mine. And she gives me the most sinful smile I've ever seen.

God, help me get through this dinner with half the self-control Bella seems to have.

As she starts the prayer, her voice is soft, even, reverent. I've heard grace said a million times, but it's never sounded as beautiful as it does tonight. Goosebumps prick at my arms and along the back of my neck. I remember her at mass last Sunday, staring at me with intent. And I remember her looking up at me from my desk and across from me at the restaurant the other night. I remember the look in her eyes just before each and every kiss we've shared.

And last night.

"Amen," she says. When I look up, I have a feeling she hasn't taken her eyes off me the entire prayer. It's the same look she had right after I…

Fuck.

"Amen," I reply. I think the rest of the family does too. I can't be sure.

Jesus. I never knew grace could be sexy.

"I thought this wasn't your thing, Bella?" Angela asks as she picks up the mashed potatoes. I let this one slide. There are worse things she could have said.

"Who's thing is it really?" Jake's trying to be funny as he nudges Bella with his elbow.

I'm not amused.

She ignores him as she helps her nephew put green beans on his plate. Then she sneaks a peek at me. "My relationship with God is fluid, Angela."

"Christ."

I could have sworn I only thought it to myself. Apparently not because all eyes flick in my direction.

But hearing my ideas about God from her lips stops my heart and breathes new life into me all at once. It's so overwhelming I'm sure everyone at the table can read the emotions on my face. Hell, I'm sure everyone in Sheepshead Bay could read the emotions on my face if they were here.

I do what I can. I take a drink. I pour another glass.

Angela saves me. "News to me," she says as she takes Ben's hand in hers. "But I guess a lot more things are out in the open these days." She leans in and looks down the table at me. "Thanks for encouraging Ben and me to be open and honest with Mom and Dad, Father."

I smile and nod at the seemingly happy couple.

"Wait," Renee scowls in my direction. "You told her to tell us?"

I take another sip of my drink.

"I did."

Renee sets her silverware down carefully and folds her arms across her chest. She takes a deep breath like she's trying very hard to stay calm.

"Hey, Mom, this lasagna's fabulous!" Alice cheers. Renee can't be distracted.

"Why would you do that, Father?"

Bella's eyes go wide. Like she's worried… for me.

Panicking, I look over at Charlie for back-up, but he's making himself very busy with his food. So I face Renee alone, feeling like I'm about to be sacrificed at Mount Moriah.

"Wouldn't you rather know what's going on with -"

"No, Father, we wouldn't," she says, louder than before. "We're Catholic. We like our secrets in the closet where they belong."

Emmett's laughter booms through the dining room. Jake and Ben laugh politely. Charlie opens yet another can of beer.

I try to gauge Bella's reaction, but she's sharing a silent exchange with Alice, who does not look like she's in a laughing mood.

I think of all the secrets there must be at this one table, in this one house, in this small corner of Sheepshead Bay - Charlie's smoking, Alice's sexuality, Angela's pregnancy. All of the other secrets that are probably hidden.

Including Bella's and mine.

What if our secret came out at the dining room table?

Christ. What the fuck am I thinking?

"Bella." Renee clears her throat. "Your um… new song is… very nice."

Bella's eyes just about bug out of her head. Emmett's laughing all over again. Rose is nudging him again. The man is going to have quite a bruise.

"I mean, I don't need to know where you got the idea for those lyrics, but…" She tries hard to smile. "But the melody is very catchy."

Jake locks eyes with me. "I'd love to know where you got the idea."

"It was featured on Pitchfork's Best New Music list," Emmett tells everyone, proud of her.

"I don't even know what that is," Angela says. "Is that a big deal, or something?"

"Well, you've never heard of it. Think what you will," Bella says.

"Alice, honey, which hymn is it?" Renee asks, singling out her youngest daughter. "You would know."

Alice grumbles as she grabs the bottle of Maker's Mark. Renee's eyes go wide. Then she glares in Bella's direction.

"Adoro Te Devote," I say. Suddenly everyone's eyes are on me.

I clear my throat. "I… caught some of the words earlier. It's…" I glance over at Bella. "Latin."

"Well, she always did like hymns," Renee muses.

"I'm sure Bella could tell you all about her song, Mom," Rose adds.

"Of course," Renee tells her oldest. "I'd love it if Bella told me about her music. For once."

Bella pushes away from the table. "I'll be right back."

Patrick starts crying and half the table focuses on the little guy. Renee hovers. Liam takes his shirt off like he's getting ready to feed his baby brother. Emmett and Angela take over feeding the rest of the kids. And Rose starts to unbutton her top.

I take advantage of the commotion to excuse myself. I have a feeling I know where I'll find Bella.

xXxXx

"Hey. You okay?"

Bella's leaning against the brick wall in her parent's backyard, staring up at the sky. She smiles but doesn't look my way.

She does when I take out a pack of cigarettes and offer one to her.

"Whatever I need. When I need it. Thanks."

She takes a drag and goes back to staring overhead.

"This is weird," she finally says.

"Should I go?"

She shakes her head and nods toward the house. "This, them… did you see my mother's face in there? It's like she's been abducted by aliens."

I laugh. "She's trying."

"Well it's freaking me the fuck out."

The two of us stand there, quiet for a minute. She stubs out her cigarette. I remember what she said about her mother, and I pick it up and slip it into my pocket. As I'm kneeling at Bella's feet she smiles down at me gratefully, and I have to touch her.

She leans back against the wall again as I stand. Her chest rises and falls. Her lips part just a little. I wish we had time to play a round of ask me anything because I'd really like to know what she's thinking.

"Remember the first night we were out here together?" It's like she can hear my thoughts.

Maybe we don't need the game anymore.

"Of course."

"We talked about sin," she says.

"We did." She doesn't move when I place a hand on her cheek. Or when I rub my thumb against her lips. Or even when I get lost in her eyes for a second... or ten.

"Does this count?" she asks.

And I know it's a bad idea with her family less than fifty feet away. But I lean in and kiss her anyway. It's soft. And slow. Because I need her to understand how much this counts. How much I missed this.

Missed her. Us.

That this matters to me.

That last night was more than just a way to get off.

I hope the kiss tells her how fucking honored I am to have her in my life.

When our tongues touch I think, yeah, maybe she knows.

I pull away and the moon makes her skin glow. The breeze blows her hair.

I'm content.

"I've been dying to do that all night."

She bites her lip and smiles.

"Bella what are you -" someone calls out.

Bella and I spring apart. I look up and Alice is staring at us, frozen in shock.

My heart feels like it's beating a million miles a minute.

"My eyes were not prepared. I thought they were prepared. But they were not," she says and… hold on a second.

I glance over at Bella, pointing to her sister. "Did you-"

She wrinkles her nose. "Sorry?"

"Ha!" Alice laughs. "Drink." She hands Bella a glass of wine.

"You told her about the drinking game too?"

"What drinking game?" Alice asks innocently.

"What's everyone out here for?" Charlie wonders as he steps out into the yard. Then he sees my pack of smokes on the railing. "Can I get one of those?"

I think I'm about to pass out. There have been too many close calls this week for me to count.

"Don't you think you should take those to the garage?" Bella asks as I hand Charlie the Marlboros.

He shrugs and hands me a glass of… it doesn't really matter.

I take it and gladly down it in one shot.

Charlie peeks back inside as he lights his cigarette. "Just want to make sure Emmett doesn't catch us."

"Yeah, wouldn't want to piss off Emmett." Bella laughs. "He's such a nag. About smoking."

As Charlie savors his first drag, I eye Alice. Who's eyeing Bella. Who is definitely avoiding eye contact with all of us.

Alice nudges her sister a little harder than necessary, and just as Bella's about to give her shit about it, the two of them start to have a silent conversation with sign language unfit for a priest.

"Yeah, well, I'm outta here," Alice says. "I'll leave you smokers alone."

Charlie nods as Alice leaves. He claps me on the back then he notices Bella standing by my side.

"You smoke?" he asks her. "Since when?"

She downs her glass of wine.

Shit. I could use another drink, too. I mean how am I supposed to hold a conversation with Charlie right now without giving myself away?

"I think I'll just…" I point toward the door.

As I make my way through the kitchen, I hear Charlie telling Bella, "I'm really glad you came tonight, baby girl."

"Me too, Dad."

Something makes Bella laugh. Charlie does too. Their laughter echoes through the backyard, mingling with the sound of traffic and seagulls.

It sounds like a happy home.

xXxXx

"Father!" Angela stops me before I can even make it to the dining room. I'm actually glad to get her alone.

"How are things?" I ask.

"Great," she just about shouts as she hands me a glass of wine. "I'm excited. We're excited." And she sounds like she's still trying to convince me. Or maybe she's trying to convince herself.

"You're still sure about Saturday, then?" I've put my trust in God, but I'm still his front man. "It's never too late to -"

"I'm totally sure." She laughs a little too loud. "Don't worry about me, Father. Ben's gonna be a great dad. Just like Emmett."

Dear God, make it true. Because I'm not so sure.

"I just wanted to make sure you're still coming to dinner after the rehearsal tomorrow? 7:30 sharp. That's still okay, right?"

It's not exactly how I'd like to spend my Friday night.

I look into Angela's eyes and see how desperately she needs someone to be there for her. I can't in good conscience say no.

"Absolutely." I smile as three McCarty kids barrel between us.

One yells, "Avengers, assemble!" as they tear their way up the stairs. Another shouts, "I'm Captain America!"

I roll my eyes and wonder what kind of information their Aunt Bella has been feeding them.

It's quieter in the dining room without all the kids and with Patrick asleep in Emmett's arms. Bella and Charlie join us. Bella picks up Liam's stuffed Hulk out of a chair as she sits back down. She holds him out in front of her and sighs.

"Sometimes I wish they'd have kept Ed Norton as The Hulk. I loved him and Liv Tyler together."

I bow my head and sigh before taking her on. I think through my arguments. She can't possibly end this debate with Ed Norton's ass.

I try to stay calm. I take a sip of wine. "Ruffalo and Johansson though… they have better chemistry."

Bella rolls her eyes. "Her again? Really, Ed-... Father?"

"Again?" Renee asks as she sets down a tray of tiramisu.

"She plays Black Widow. Am I right?" Emmett asks, giving me a nod.

"Please," Bella groans. "We've been over this. Captain Marvel would kick her ass."

"Bella!" Renee scolds.

I can't hold myself back this time. "I guess it's easy when you steal superpowers from a nuclear reactor."

Bella looks me in the eye. "You think this is up for debate, Eddie?"

This woman.

I rest my elbows on the table and lean in. "Widow has mad ninja skills. She took on eleven Hammer security guys single handedly in Iron Man 2."

Jake tosses his napkin into the ring. Or rather, on to the table. "I think it was only ten. And Captain Marvel is indestructible." He shrugs. "Personally, I didn't get why she didn't take the infinity glove instead of Stark."

Jake gives Bella a reassuring nod. He might be a good man, but he's wrong about the Marvel universe. He's also a kiss ass.

Bella laughs and looks at me like she's been vindicated. "See?"

"First of all-" I give Jake a pointed look. "It was definitely eleven. And secondly" - I shift my gaze to Bella, sitting at Jake's side - "I can't even look at you right now."

And I finish the glass of wine.

Is it a little dramatic on my part? Maybe. But… seriously?

Alice snorts.

"Manners," Renee warns her youngest daughter.

Alice breaks into a fit of giggles. Her eyes start to tear.

"What's your problem?" Angela asks.

Alice looks from me to Bella as she tries to catch her breath. "You two are both the biggest geeks. You know that, right? Black Widow? Ten versus eleven what? Evil hammers?" She starts laughing all over again. Her whole body shakes.

Bella blushes and stares at her lap, but her sister's right.

Bella's called me a geek, but it turns out, she's one too.

She's called me a few other things, as a matter of fact.

She thinks I'm humble but has no idea just how amazing she is. She's called me hot. And sexy. And I've never thought she was more of both those things than right this minute, talking about the intricacies of the Marvel universe.

"You're-" I start to tell her. Until I remember all the people sitting around us, suddenly hanging on my every word. "Alice is right. You're such a nerd."

Bella laughs and conversations start up again. Angela tells us about the honeymoon she has planned in Mexico. Alice talks about her comparative religion class. Charlie shows me some pictures of boats he has saved on his cell. Emmett weighs adding an extension to their home against looking for something bigger in the same neighborhood.

"Speaking of which," Renee interrupts as she starts filling plates with slices of tiramisu. She passes them around and very casually asks, "Father, how do you feel about birth control?"

Charlie groans. "Emmett, get Father another drink. He's gonna need it."

"For the love of God, Mom." Rose rolls her eyes. Emmett sighs in defeat. I think Bella's holding her breath.

Jake whispers something in her ear. He's close. Too close, in my opinion. I can't help glaring when he touches her arm.

Dear God...

She doesn't seem uncomfortable until she catches me staring at her.

A pin could drop as I take a sip of the drink Emmett hands me. Of course, I know what Renee is talking about. Rose came very close to losing her life.

It's not Renee who needs to hear this though, so I very purposefully give Rose my undivided attention.

"It's your body Rose. The most important thing is that you're here with Emmett to help raise your family. Not evading birth control."

Bella sits back and stares at me wide-eyed.

"How can you say that?" Renee demands. "The Catholic church says -"

"The Catholic church is run by men, Renee."

"But they say-"

"The church interprets the Bible their way. I interpret it mine."

I realize I've said it louder than necessary and harsher than intended. So I try to chill the fuck out. "And I don't think the church would want anyone putting their life in danger."

Emmett puts a protective arm around his wife and kisses her temple as he whispers something in her ear. A blush rises on Rose's cheeks. The moment seems so intimate that I feel like I'm invading their privacy.

I let my eyes wander over to Bella, who's already looking at me with a stunned smile on her face.

She mouths a "thank you"... and Christ. I wish I could put an arm around her. Kiss her like Emmett kissed Rose. Suggest we get out of here. Go to that big bed she wants to share.

Naked. With me.

I wait for the wave of guilt but it doesn't come. I try to tell myself this is wrong... but I can't.

Then I notice someone else is watching me and my eyes slide to the man sitting next to her. The man she had a date with. The man who's known her her whole life. The man who is taking her to the wedding.

Jake.

It's written all over his face.

He knows.

Fuck.


No comments:

Post a Comment