Chapter 32 - Concupiscence

 

Chapter 32. Concupiscence

Father Edward

I'm sober when the Uber pulls up to Bella's cottage. I've figured out how to put an address into the app properly, so I don't stumble out of the car and there's no angry driver. But this time she's not here to open the door for me.

We hadn't actually discussed our plans at dinner and she left without saying goodbye.

Maybe it was a hint she doesn't want me here.

The house is dark and I don't have a key, so I walk around to the back. She's not on the balcony. The blankets are still piled in a heap, just like we left them this morning.

Maybe she had other plans.

Maybe she's with her sisters.

Maybe they're at Billy's Place with Jake.

I contemplate my choices, feeling presumptuous. Then the sound of the waves floats over the dunes, and I decide to take a walk and look at the ocean. It'll give me some time to think before heading back to the rectory. If I'm being honest, I'm hoping Bella gets back before I leave.

I kick my shoes and socks off and leave them at the bottom of the stairs then follow a path out to the beach.

My thoughts settle as I walk. On God. The Church. Bella. Everything, really.

I may not have all the answers yet, but I'm sure that when it comes to my belief, my faith in the Lord, and what he wants for me, there is no wrong answer. Despite what the church might say.

I breathe easy. Maybe because I feel better about my relationship with Him now more than ever. Maybe it's because, away from all the businesses and streetlights, it's pitch-black and peaceful here. Moonlight ripples like liquid silver over dark water. Waves quietly splash, over and over, and it feels like they pull me toward the water's edge. The closer I get, the clearer a silhouette becomes, standing where the water recedes like she was planted there by God himself.

Like we were both drawn to this spot. This night. Together.

Or maybe I'm just drawn to her. I have been since the first time we met. But with every moment spent talking, laughing, every idea exchanged, I'm tethered tighter. I wonder if I had any choice but to be here on the beach with her right now.

She's got a blanket wrapped around her and it blows in the wind. She's lost in thought. I'm close enough to touch her when she turns around and sees me.

I give her a tentative wave. "Hey."

She smiles. "What are you doing here?"

I push my hands into my pockets and shove some sand around with my foot. "Just felt like this is where I needed to be."

"The beach?"

"With you."

Her eyes dip, but only for a second, then they're back on me. "I was just about to head up to the house."

I reach a hand out to her. "Lead the way."

Inside, Bella flips on a light by the couch. She closes the blinds and folds the blanket she brought in over a chair.

It's like she's lived here forever.

With me.

Thoughts of us together make my chest ache and my cheeks burn. More so as I watch her tuck some hair behind her ear. When she takes her lip between her teeth.

I watch her pick some clothes up off the floor then gather some scattered papers. Being this far away makes me itch. I've tried to keep my distance all night, but now that we're alone, I don't have to. I walk over to her.

"Hey," she says when she looks up, like she's surprised to see me standing there. "Want something? Anything?"

I shake my head but can't seem to stop staring at her.

"You sure? A drink? Another frozen pizza?" She smirks and gives me a playful punch in the arm.

I grin. "You?"

She laughs a little. "You have me, you dork."

"I mean" - I tug at her sweater then peek at her again - "you."

The sheets of notebook paper she's holding flutter to the floor. Her lips part. "Oh."

"I haven't had a drink all night."

She searches my eyes for something. "You're sure?"

I think about all the reading I did today, about the book of Ruth, sex, celibacy. About free will. About how it felt to hold Bella in my arms tonight. To look her in the eyes and feel the connection between us. To share things with her I haven't shared with practically anyone. How impossible it would be for me to deny my feelings for her.

Over what? A vow? To men?

I can't imagine God being cruel enough to put someone as perfectly flawed, openhearted, honest, and gifted as Bella on Earth for the sole purpose of teasing me, just to snatch her away.

Bella sees me. Understands me. Accepts me. Whether I'm a priest or not.

She's someone who's looking up to me for guidance. Right this minute.

I push some hair off of her shoulder. "I'm sure. You?"

Her lips turn up in a half smile. "Who do you think I got this big bed for?"

Her hands shake a little as she slides them around my waist, fisting my shirt like she's dying to take it off. If there was ever a feeling of safety, of faith, and of hope all rolled into one, it's feeling Bella's touch. Every time.

It's almost like the feeling I have when I hold the word of God in my hands. When I write a homily or stand in front of a congregation.

Only better.

This is more frightening. It's more true.

More everything.

I peek down at her sweater again. I caress the exposed skin where it hangs off her shoulder and remember how I imagined kissing her there. I never dreamed it would actually happen. Yet here I am.

Holding her in my arms isn't even close to being enough anymore.

I run my hands under the edge of her top, watching her carefully. She shivers.

"You're getting pretty good at this," she whispers, then looks into my eyes and lifts her arms over her head.

I try not to come off too unsure of myself as I pull the sweater up and off of her, letting it drop to the floor. "You should lower your expectations."

"If I did that I wouldn't be here with you."

Her words make my heart stop.

She can make me feel like the most important person in the world with so few words… sometimes just a look. This look. It's beyond me.

"I'm glad you are." I brush my lips over hers, then just below her ear. She tilts her head. I kiss her neck then her shoulder again as I reach around to the clasp of her bra.

And can't fucking… "How does this thing work?"

Bella smiles and presses a quick kiss to the corner of my mouth as she reaches around to unclip it. The black strip of satin and wire drops and... fuck. I'm shaking. I'm nervous. Inexperienced. Inept. In-

"Hey," she says and I stop to look at her. "If you don't want to…"

I sigh, trying to gain some measure of composure. God, give me the strength to show her just how much she means to me.

"Bella." I take her face in my hands carefully.

"I want to." I kiss her forehead. Bless her, Lord.

"I've wanted to." I kiss her cheek. Keep her.

"I'll always want to." I kiss her lips and hold it, like a memory, a moment. One I don't ever want to forget.

Cherish her.

I hold her shoulders then let my hands skim over her arms to the swell of her breasts until I'm cupping them. They're beautiful. Perfect. I brush my thumbs over her nipples and watch them grow taut as the pink from her cheeks bleeds to the top of her chest.

Her breath hitches. It sounds shaky as she exhales.

I know I'm not her first. She's been with other men. Men far more experienced than I am. But the way she looks at me. The way she smiles. The way she blushes when I touch her. I feel like I'm enough.

I hope I'm enough.

"Thank you for trusting me," I tell her.

She takes my face in her hands. "I've never trusted anyone more. You've got it backwards. I wish I…" Her hand trembles as it slides to rest on my shoulder. "I… I'm just glad. You're really sure?"

Two short weeks ago, my answer would be much different but now... "Absolutely."

She nods a little and takes a breath as she loosens the tie around my neck. She pulls it off and it drops to the floor. Then she untucks my shirt, and all I can do is remember to breathe. She unbuttons a button. Then another. Until she's done. When she pushes it off of me, it falls to the floor next to her sweater. Next to the tie.

Her fingers tremble as she starts to unbutton my jeans.

I take her hand and move it to my waist. I wrap my arms around her and kiss her. Softly at first, but as she presses up against me, the kiss deepens because the two of us are here together, topless, skin against skin. I'm lightheaded and desperate.

Her hand slides over my jeans, just where I need it. "Fuck."

I kiss her again. She sighs. She rubs. I push myself against her hand with a groan. Our tongues meet and she slips her hand inside my pants.

I grab her wrist. I close my eyes and rest my forehead against hers. It feels good. Too good. "You might wanna slow down if you don't want this to be over before it starts." I'm trying to come off like I'm joking, but seriously… it's been a while.

She takes a seat on the edge of the bed, then takes a breath. "Still okay?"

"More than okay."

Her eyes flick from my jeans, undone now, and back to my face. She hooks her fingers in the waistband of her skirt and slides everything over her hips, down her thighs, and lets it all fall to the floor. "Still okay?" she asks.

Okay isn't exactly the word I'd use.

I steal a moment to take her in. All of her. From her windblown hair, to the ink just under her ribs, I follow the curves of her body to… Christ. That's a little black cross tattooed on her hip. And the way she's looking at me. She's nervous too. She's… "You're fucking gorgeous."

She waits, biting her bottom lip. Her chest rising and falling,

I have no earthly idea what to do.

Bella pulls her legs onto the bed and tucks them beneath her, then kneels so we're face to face. She rests her hands on my shoulders. Her fingertips trail lower - over my chest, over my vows, along my stomach. Until she's holding my hands.

The tips of her tits barely brush against my chest. She places a soft kiss on my lips.

"It's okay, Edward. We can stop any time. If you don't want to…"

I kiss her before she can say anything else. I don't hold back. I need her to know how much I want this because I don't doubt her. I don't doubt us. The only doubts I'm having are about whether I can make this even remotely good for her.

Bella sighs into my mouth and tugs my jeans over my hips. I push past all my insecurities and kick them the rest of the way off as we fall into the bed and I climb over top of her.

I hover over her for a moment, caught up in her eyes. Then something catches my attention from the end table.

"Bella?" I grab the ten foot long accordion sitting next to the bed and stare at them in awe as I start counting. "There's like fifty condoms here."

She groans, her hand over her eyes. "Don't mind Rose. One visit to Planned Parenthood and she's insane."

My head falls against her chest in a fit of sudden laughter. "Jesus."

"You, um, want some help with that?" Her eyes flick to the packet in my hand then down between us.

I hadn't thought about condoms. Only me and Bella. Considering everything I learned earlier, I think it's safe to say Bella's wishes are more important than what the church decided somewhere along the way.

So I sit back on my heels. Without another word Bella takes the packet from my hand. I close my eyes and try to concentrate on something besides how it feels to have her holding my dick, so I don't come before she can even get it on.

Like counting in Latin. That should work.

Nihil, ūnus, duo, trēs, quattuor, quīnque, sex.

Fuck.

Sex.

I'm about to have sex.

Before I have a chance to fuck this up, Bella's there, kissing me, pulling me back down onto the bed with her. When I open my eyes, she's beneath me, naked.

I try not to dwell on everything I don't know and concentrate on what I do know.

Like… how to kiss her. I know how she likes to be kissed. I concentrate on the places I know are safe from the times we've been together.

Her back arches as I slide my mouth from her lips, to her neck, to a nipple. I manage to make her moan. She presses her body against mine, like she wants more.

I slide a hand between us. She's soft and warm against my palm as she rocks her hips.

"Edward, please," she whispers.

Now what?

Say a prayer? Lord knows I need it.

Dear God...

It's like Bella hears my thoughts instead. She takes me in her hand and guides me where she wants me to go. And fuck, she's so soft. So wet, it's so easy for me to slide into. And the heat is… "Christ," I say in a strained whisper. Like He has anything to do with this.

But all thoughts about God go out the window as I push into her.

It takes my breath away.

Oxygen leaves the room. My forehead falls against hers. All of my focus, all of my energy is concentrated here… in this connection between Bella and me.

I can't think. Can't speak. I don't know if I'm going to be able to move. I can only feel her. And me. Here. Together.

Bella's breath is on my neck as she moves her hips with me. As I move back.

It's overwhelming and… fuck. It feels so good. She feels so fucking good.

Her chest rises and falls in sync with mine.

I push again. Her legs fit around me, telling me to keep going.

I kiss her. She arches. I push. I groan. "Fuck."

Her fingertips dig into my shoulder, into my lower back. I bury my face in her neck. I kiss. I push. I fucking pray.

"Christ."

I push again.

"Edward," she hisses.

"Fuck." The blur of emotion is overwhelming. It's an explosion of ecstasy I didn't know was possible.

My lips collide with hers. It's rough and awkward, but she opens for me and I can't get enough. Of her mouth, her neck, her breasts. Everywhere I can reach. Every way I can make her feel… make her understand… she needs to know what she does to me.

As the high starts to fade, embarrassment creeps in. I'm pretty sure that was the fastest anyone has ever... in the history of the universe.

I fall onto my back and throw an arm over my eyes and try to catch my breath.

Bella's also breathing hard and fast at first. Then it slows. She rolls onto her side and kisses my shoulder. She trails her fingers over my thigh.

The weight of what's happened hits me. I can't seem to find a way to capture it in words. "Fuck," I groan. It's the best I can do.

"Edward?" Her voice is gentle, full of care.

"Hmm?"

Her hand slides around my waist. She kisses my cheek.

My arm falls away from my face and I stare up at the ceiling in search of something to prove this really happened. That I'm still here. Still breathing. With Bella next to me.

That I haven't been struck down by God. Or died of embarrassment.

Yet.

"Are you feeling guilty?" she asks.

I give it some thought. "I probably should," I huff, still out of breath.

"Adding it to your own list for confession?"

I think about that too. Really think about it. "No."

"But -"

"Bella." I roll to my side so we're face to face, practically nose to nose. I'm still trying to breathe.

I look at her - hair disheveled, cheeks pink, lips swollen. Her tits tempting me to touch them again, to take them between my lips. There are really no words for the complete and utter happiness she fills me with.

"Yeah?" she asks.

I place a hand against her cheek. She kisses my palm. Then I do what my fingers have been itching for. I stroke her breast and pull at the tip of her nipple. She hisses. Her eyelids flutter. She presses her chest into my hand.

"I'd like to enjoy this guilt-free for a little while, if that's okay."

She hums and slides her leg over mine.

"One thing, though," I tell her with a sigh.

"What's that?" she asks, but I can't meet her eyes.

"Edward? Seriously. Tell me what's wrong."

She sounds a little worried so I look at her with conviction. Determination. "I think I can do better than that."

Her expression morphs. Her concern is quickly replaced with that smile. Brighter and more carefree than I knew possible.

She looks me over from head to toe then bites her bottom lip. She arches an eyebrow.

"Prove it?"

"Would you show me how?"