Chapter 19 - Laity

 

Chapter 19. Laity

Bella

Emmett and Rose's place is a little too close to my parents' for comfort, but Emmett promised Mom wouldn't be by until later tonight and I haven't seen Rose since that first night in the hospital. I might be the bad sister, but I try not to be a total shit.

Even when I feel totally shitty.

And confused.

And ridiculously aroused.

All at once.

Not to mention, I still haven't had a drink.

Yeah, things have taken a turn in my life. I'm still fucked. Just sober.

I can't say it's much of an improvement.

"Auntie Bella!" my littlest niece screams as she runs headlong into my knees and throws her arms around me. Her golden curls remind me of Rose when we were kids.

I pull the grubby little girl into my arms, grateful for every hug I can get these days. When I can get it.

I might be holding her a little too close as I push open the front door. My niece wriggles until I let her down and then she knocks over a stack of folded laundry as she takes off. The clothes topple onto Grandma, who's sound asleep on a recliner in the corner. Grandma gives a little snore, but manages to nap through it all.

"Emmett, I told you he needs a bath!" Mrs. McCarty calls out from the kitchen as Emmett races past, giving my nephew an airplane ride through the chaos.

"Hey, Bell," my brother-in-law says as his plane circles around me. Then he throws the filthy kid into my arms. "Your turn with Liam. Gotta get a bath going."

"More!" the little kid yells in my face, then flings his arms out to his sides like airplane wings and hits me in the nose. His hand smells… like tuna fish.

I hold my breath as I hold him at arm's length. "Emmett, I don't think -" but my brother-in-law's already running up the stairs.

"Can someone take Rose a water?" Mrs. McCarty calls out. She's clearly the general in charge today.

"Want to go to Great Grandma?" I ask.

"No, no, no!" Liam shouts and wriggles, and attempts to fly on his own as I deposit him on his belly in Grandma's lap, startling her awake.

I think the laundry in her lap is gonna need another wash cycle.

"Fish for lunch?" Grandma asks, wrinkling her nose.

I don't even say sorry. I'm not.

xXxXx

I jog up the stairs with a water bottle, happy to almost leave the kid-centered mess behind. There are still toys all along the stairs and scattered throughout the hallway. At least sober I'm less likely to trip.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been driven to drink if I grew up in Rose and Emmett's house. It's definitely nutty, but the air's lighter. It's a mess, but no one cares. And no one cares whose fault it is.

Another nephew wanders out of Rose and Emmett's bedroom wearing just his underwear. Emmett scoops him up as he heads off down the hall.

"Rosie's inside, Bell. Go on in. Her doc wants her to stay in bed." He nods toward the bedroom and I push open the door.

"Hey, Rose! I brought you up some wa- … whoa, whoa, whoa!"

I cover my eyes and spin around, turning my back on my big sister.

"Bella! I wasn't sure you were going to come," Rose calls from the bed where she's just sitting around in the middle of the day completely topless.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to barge in." I walk backward slowly, reaching behind my back to try to find the nightstand where I can set down the water bottle. "I can just-" and I stumble over Barbie's dream house and land on the bed.

Rose laughs. It sounds like bells tinkling. Even her laughter is princess-like and good. It's effortless for her, and it's pissed me off since we were little. "It's okay, Bella."

I glance over my shoulder. She's still on display. "I think you forgot your top?"

"Skin on skin is best for preemies, not to mention I'm leaking all over the place."

"Jesus, Rose."

"Wait until you're a mom."

If I had any vague daydreams about it before, they've all vanished. "I'd like to think I'd…" I cough. "Wear clothes?"

Rose just laughs. "Wanna hold him?"

"Do I need to look at your boobs to make that happen? Which are huge, by the way." And kinda perfect. No surprise there. But she's my sister, so ew.

"I'll try to cover up," she says, still laughing. "Out of all of us, I didn't think you'd be the prude."

When I turn around again, Rose is trying to cover herself with one of her arms and she's juggling the littlest baby I've ever seen in the other. I immediately feel guilty. If my sister needs to flash me, my sister needs to flash me.

"Do I need to get topless to hold him?" The squirmy little pink thing looks cute, but Emmett's never seen the girls and I'd like to keep it that way.

"Don't be an idiot, Bella, just take him. I need to pee. And change my pad."

"Oh my God. TMI, Rose. TMI!"

She gives up on covering herself as she swaddles my nephew, cooing and making faces the whole time. "Hello little man. There's my little Paddy."

"Not Paddy!" Emmett pops his head into the bedroom. "It's Patrick. Or Pat. Until he's a moody teenager and decides he's going by Edward just to piss us off."

"Edward?" I ask as Rose hands me the tiny tot.

"Didn't Alice tell you? He's Patrick after Emmett's great grandfather. And his middle name is Edward after Father. I still can't believe he was there to pray with us that night."

My eyes sting as I bobble the little baby, trying to position him in my arms. It's not fair that Rose gets Edward as a priest and I don't, but I brought it on myself.

I guess it was inevitable Father Edward would push me away. I'm hardly Catholic and I never hid it from him. I didn't expect I'd care. I never imagined it would hurt like someone tore a hole through my chest.

"You gotta get his head," Emmett explains to me as he helps me out, propping my arms just so. "Babies are like footballs, but with a neck."

Em gazes down at his son like he's completely transfixed. It's hard to imagine he can still love a new baby this much with four other kids. The little thing weighs about as much as a bag of chips and looks up at me with big, black eyes. He makes a little sucking motion with his mouth.

"Already making duck faces for Instagram, aren't you?" I say in the silliest voice that's ever come from my mouth.

Emmett helps Rose out of the bed and I start bouncing around the room. I don't know why.

"You've got a good name, buddy. Your daddy's right, Paddy sounds silly. Eddie on the other hand? Can I call you Eddie?"

Eddie smacks his lips. I think he's into it.

I swing him in a circle as I bounce. I touch the tip of his nose. I kiss his forehead.

"I think it's best to warn you, Eddie, you were born into a nutty family. Your mom and dad are okay, but there's a good chance you'll be trampled to death by your brothers and sisters before you make it to a year."

Eddie yawns, unimpressed. It's adorable.

"Your brother reeks of tuna."

Eddie wriggles in his wrap.

"Your Aunt Alice is a goddamned saint. You can always trust her, okay?"

Eddie's eyelids look heavy. Like he's having a hard time keeping them open. I go from bouncing to swinging and hum under my breath.

Yeah, it's my sexy hymn. Eddie's not complaining.

"And when you fuck up, you come to me, kiddo. Okay?" I tell him. "I know a thing or two about sin. I'll never judge." I look up to see Mom standing in the doorway and freeze.

She folds her coat neatly and places it on a heap of clothes covering a rocker in the corner. "You shouldn't swear in front of children."

"Eddie's never going to remember this. Also hi, Mom. How are you?"

Her forehead wrinkles. "His name is Patrick, Isabella."

I ignore Mom and turn my back to her. He'll always be Eddie to me.

"Isabella," Mom says. Christ. Ignoring her isn't going to be an option.

"Yeah, Mom?" I swing little Eddie in a circle so I don't have to look at her directly.

"Have you seen your sister?"

I've seen more of my sister today than I bargained for. "She's in the bathroom."

"Alice?" she asks. Mom looks like she's about to sprint across the bedroom and throw open the bathroom door.

I sigh. Alice isn't ready to talk to my parents and I can't blame her.

So I stop swinging my nephew and face my mother. "Alice isn't here. But she's fine."

"You've seen her?"

"I'm staying with her, I guess. For now."

And I watch Mom's sudden hope drain away and replace itself with simmering anger. I've corrupted her baby. If Alice ever comes out to my parents, I'm sure it's going to be my fault she's gay.

Rose lumbers into the bedroom. Somewhere along the way she lost her sleep pants and is only wearing a pair of granny panties. "Hey, Mom," she huffs.

"Rosalie? Clothing!" I think Mom's about to faint.

Rose chuckles as she plucks little Eddie out of my arms and squishes his face up against one of her boobs. Mom averts her eyes. My nipples ache as I watch my nephew clamp down.

Rose cackles as she looks between me and Mom. "I see where you get your modesty, Bell."

Emmett emerges from the bathroom with a big plastic bag. I do not want to know what's inside. In fact, I pretend I never saw it. He glances between Rose, Mom, and me and he hightails it out of there without looking back. As he should. Mom was not supposed to be here yet.

"You look good," Mom says as she gives Rose a quick once over, then averts her eyes again. "The baby eating enough?"

"Yep. He's a little monster. Have you seen my nipples? They're practically raw." She says it all in baby talk as she gazes down at Eddie. She actually pinches a free nipple and holds it out for Mom and I to see.

I shudder. "Maybe I should just…"

Rose grabs my hand to keep me from making a break for it. I think her fingers are damp with breast milk. Blech.

"We'll have to talk about this later, Mom. I don't want to offend Bella's delicate sensibilities."

"If Isabella has somewhere she needs to be…"

"Yeah," I agree. "Maybe I should clear out."

Rose's face falls. "You just got here. Can't you stay a little while longer?"

I check my phone. I've got to be at Randazzo's in an hour. It's not even enough time to get a drink, really. I glance at Mom, trying to figure out how much damage she can inflict on my psyche in thirty minutes.

"As long as we're civil," I say, staring Mom down. "For Rose and Eddie's sake."

"You're one to talk," Mom replies.

"Eddie?" Rose asks me.

I can't help but smirk. I also can't keep up this staring contest with Mom and stay calm. So I set to work with the pile of clothes on the rocker. Eddie might want to rock every now and then.

Once I'm out of the way, Mom perches on the edge of the bed. "I thank God you're both okay." She caresses little Eddie's head.

Rose gazes at the infant in her arms and smiles bravely. "The doctor says I'll probably have blood pressure issues if I get pregnant again. It could be even worse next time."

"Not if there isn't a next time," I suggest. Sometimes logic is lost on Catholics.

Rose sighs in exasperation.

"It's as easy as a pill, Rosalie. It's like a miracle. Probably a God-given one - if you believe in that kind of thing."

Of course, I don't believe in that kind of thing even though I've been praying on the regular lately. It's no biggie. It has nothing to do with a certain priest. Or a spiritual awakening. Also, my nephew just looks like an Eddie.

"There's no need for pills," Mom says. "There are ways around it."

Rosalie's blue eyes flash. "We tried those ways, Mom. Have you met Patrick?"

"Have you thought about an IUD?" I ask.

Mom scowls. "I don't think the Pope would-"

"Jesus, Mom! The Pope can't get pregnant, okay? And I don't think he'd want Rosalie dead, so-"

"Isabella!" Mom's gone from annoyed to angry. I should have known. She takes all criticism of the Pope personally.

"Em's mom said the church might be okay with birth control. As long as it's for medical reasons."

"Hmmm," Mom hums. "We should ask the Father."

I can't help but laugh out loud. "Yes, please ask Father Edward about your birth control options, Rose. Seems like a sound idea. I'm sure he's an expert."

I make a mental note to text Rose a link to the nearest Planned Parenthood. If Father has a problem with it, he can come talk to me.

And then I'll get to see him again. And maybe steal another kiss. Is it unlikely? Maybe. But I got the man to make out with me right after we broke up as friends, so…

"How's Ang?" Rose asks Mom, changing the subject.

"Final alterations were today," Mom replies. "I can't believe it's just a week away."

And I'm pretty sure Mom's had a stroke. Rose and I exchange a meaningful glance.

"Final alterations?" Rose asks. "I thought -"

"The wedding's off," I finish for Rose who's been rendered momentarily speechless. It looks like Eddie's latched onto her with the jaws of life or something.

"There's no way your father was going to let Ben get away with that," she says and folds her hands in her lap. It's Mom's way of daring us to question her.

Rose, always the good kid, presses her lips together and concentrates on little Eddie.

I, on the other hand, ignore Mom's silent cues.

"Dad's not going to let him get away with which part, exactly?" I ask. "The part where Ben tried to get me into bed? Or the part where he ditched his pregnant fiancé?"

Mom's face turns red and she narrows her eyes. "Your father is cleaning up your mess, young lady."

I know without a doubt there's no way Dad can fix Ben. And I don't think Dad would want to if he knew the whole story. Unfortunately, it seems like Mom's kept all information about Ben away from Dad ever since she caught the two of us naked and high in their bed. And since Dad' s pretty much the only parent willing to stick up for me, I haven't been eager to fill him in.

"Listen, Mom," Rose says quietly as she gazes down at Patrick. "Em and I were talking. I don't think it's as cut and dry as you-"

"Emmett loves Benjamin," Mom interrupts. Like if she says it with enough enthusiasm she can make it true.

Rose looks out the window. I catch her rolling her eyes. "Maybe you should leave it to Angela and Ben to work out?" she suggests.

"Your sister needs our help right now."

"Always has. Always will," Rose mutters.

I'm not sure Mom heard. I'm not sure I heard either.

Except I haven't had a drink for days. So I think maybe this is real. I think Rose is agreeing with me right in front of my eyes.

"So the wedding's just... on again?" I ask Mom. "Like nothing ever happened?"

She twists her hands in her lap. "Nearly. There's the issue with Father."

"Edward?" I ask a little too loud. Eddie startles in Rose's arms. I feel my sister's big, blue eyes try to bore a hole in the side of my head.

"Angela and Ben have to smooth things over with Father Edward. He said he won't marry them otherwise."

My chest aches. My palms are sweaty. My eyes feel wet.

Stupid, heartbreaking, ethical priest.

Angela doesn't deserve him. I just wish I did.

xXxXx

I'm not surprised Jake asked to meet at Randazzo's. This is supposed to be a date and Jake's not subtle. He's sweet. And as far as first date spots in Sheepshead Bay go, this is better than most.

After I saw Father kneeling next to Rose's bed the other night, it seemed like I really needed to bite the bullet and lust after someone who hadn't made an eternal pact with the Lord.

Jake hasn't made any such pact that I'm aware of. And he's perfect. And he chose the perfect moment during all of this to ask me out.

I tried my best to hold onto that feeling. I really did.

Until this morning when I saw Edward again and held his hand again. Until Edward broke up with me. And kissed me. It happened in that order.

I know.

None of this makes any sense.

I need a fucking drink already. I also needed to get out of Rose's house and away from Mom's scrutiny, so I'm early for my date... with Jake. Shit. Why did I ever think this was a good idea?

I order a pint of Budweiser at the bar while I wait. It's the best the restaurant's got and I'm desperate.

Nevertheless, I find myself smiling at the pale, tasteless beverage.

It reminds me of the first time Father Edward priested out with a case of Miller High Life. I take a picture and I'm about to text it to him when I remember all over again he's not my priest... or my friend. He made it clear we're nothing to each other anymore.

Right before he kissed me and took my breath away.

Dear God, it should be a sin for a man to kiss as well as Father Edward and still take a vow of celibacy. Please look into this? Thanks. Bella

I take a sip of the Bud and grimace, but I push through the feeling. I try to convince myself the alcohol will make it better. Nevertheless, the week ahead feels bleak and confusing as I slip into a red pleather booth at the back of the restaurant.

"What's wrong?" Jake asks, sliding into the booth across from me. His khakis are pressed. His shirt is as white as his teeth. Very white.

He leans across the booth toward me and his eyes radiate concern.

I shrug. "Bud's not my favorite, I guess."

Jake bites his bottom lip. "I know." He slides a flask across the tabletop. "I almost tried to change our plans after I called about the bar menu. But they've got the best calamari and a view of the water, so I got your scotch."

"Aw, Jake."

"The good stuff. And before you object, it's not a payment or a bribe or whatever. It's 'cause I like you. It's 'cause you said yes."

He smiles and it stretches from ear to ear, like he won a prize just being here with me.

I sip at the beer and spin the flask where it sits. "You're really sweet."

Jake's face falls just a little, shifting from overjoyed to brave. "You know what else is sweet?" he asks. "Randazzo's mussels marinara. Wanna find something to order?" He ducks behind a big leather-bound menu.

I sigh. "I'm sorry, Jake."

Jake lowers the menu enough for me to see his glittering black eyes. "You don't have anything to apologize for. Unless you ate all their mussels while you were waiting."

I can't help but giggle. "Shellfish allergy. So no."

"Beautiful and willing to let me eat all the mussels? Marry me?"

My cheeks flame and I hide behind the pint glass and take a long drink. I have an idea.

"What do you think of drinking games?" I wonder, spinning the flask again, a little faster this time.

"Like quarters?" he asks.

"Something even better."

xXxXx

"And then Alice tackled Paul, pinned him to the ground, spit in his face, and told him her big sister Bella would whoop his ass. I mean, he was twice her size, and here she was tackling him. She clearly coulda' kicked his ass, but you were her hero. The one she thought would save her."

"Drink," I mumble, my face on fire. I think I've been blushing through the entire meal. Jake holds his pint glass up in the air before he takes a big, long swig of bad beer. We've already worked our way through the scotch playing a modified version of the game Edward and I perfected.

I still have to drink every time I say I'm sorry.

Jake has to drink every time he says something so sweet I want to die. I'm surprised he's still upright. The more Jake drinks, the sweeter he gets.

I shake my head. "Alice is so much fiercer than she knows."

"Truth," Jake says. "Sister Mary Margaret was there for the whole thing. Picked Alice up by the back of her neck. She went kicking and screaming the whole way. Kicked the Sister in the gut, even. You don't want to interfere with Alice Swan's ideas of right and wrong."

I shrug. "Well, she's always right, so…"

"You think so?" Jake asks. There's a strange tinge of hope in his voice.

"Please. She's the only Swan whose opinion I trust. Including my own."

Jake smiles then takes a long swig of his beer. His eyes twinkle, but it's like he can't look directly at me all of the sudden.

"What?" I ask.

Jake puts his beer on the table. He folds his hands in front of him. "Was she right when she told me I should ask you out last week?"

I can't look Jake in the eye, so I fiddle with the condensation on my pint glass. "She was definitely right. But I'm all wrong, Jake."

It's like someone lets all the life out of the guy across from me. I practically watch him deflate before my eyes.

I reach for his hands. They're solid and warm, but that's it. It's nothing like holding Edward's hands. I look into Jake's eyes. Nope, I don't want to kiss him. Not even a little.

"You're perfect, Jake. Really. I should like you. I should freakin' love you, for God's sake."

He shakes his head and pulls his hands away from mine. It was so easy for him to do, it's like proof this is all wrong. He runs a hand through his hair. "It's cool. I get it." He takes a long sip of his beer.

"I don't think you do. I'm a mess."

He smiles at me like he's in physical pain. "You're a rock star, and I'm a kid from Sheepshead Bay."

I kick Jake under the table. "I'm a kid from Sheepshead Bay too, you idiot."

I'm just in love with my priest.

Wait. What?

"I'm…" Fuck. Edward's the best man I know. He cares for everyone in my family.

"Bell, what's wrong? You look like you just saw a ghost. You know, they actually say this place is haunted. This fisherman capsized off the coast on his way back from-"

I shake my head as I hold up a finger to shush him.

I can't stop thinking about my priest. My friend. The guy I made out with. Whatever he is or isn't. Because he can say whatever he wants, but he's still something to me, something I can't just forget about.

And those kisses. Those two fucking kisses. Christ. When I think about them…

"I can't breathe."

Jake jumps up from his seat. "What happened? Are you okay?"

He looks like he wants to lunge at me and run in the opposite direction at the same time.

"What's your problem?" I ask as I slide away from him toward the opposite end of the booth.

"You just told me you couldn't breathe. Should I call someone? Get a server?" he asks, looking around frantically.

Fuck. I don't know what I'm saying out loud or what I'm thinking to myself anymore.

The only thing I know is I am definitely in love with my priest.

Okay. Maybe I know two things as I look up at Jake who seems like he's ready to fight everyone in Randazzo's if it means I'll be able to breathe again. I also know I need to end this date. It's not happening.

"I can breathe, Jake. Promise."

He sighs in relief. He sits, but he eyes me warily like he's not sure I'm telling the truth.

"But there's someone else," I admit. "And if it wasn't for him I'd have gone for it with you. I totally would have. Alice wasn't wrong. She just doesn't know about this other guy."

Jake's smile is kind. He nods his head. "I was too late."

"I'm still an idiot. It's never gonna work out with him."

Because he's a priest.

"Has he seen you, Bell? Who the heck's gonna turn you down?"

A priest.

"He's… taken?" I try to explain.

"You don't sound so sure."

"No, I'm sure. He's as taken as taken can be."

Jake picks at his food. "A married guy? Really?"

I shake my head.

Jake's laughter booms through the dining room.

"How is this funny?"

"If he's not married, he's not taken."

"Believe me, he's totally taken."

Jake puts down his fork, sits back, and folds his arms over his chest. "Who are you?"

"Um?"

He narrows his eyes.

"You're Bella, right? Bella Swan?"

"You know who I am, you dork. We grew up together. You asked me out."

"Well, the Bella Swan I know would go for what she wants. Doesn't take no for an answer. Never has. Never will. It's why she's such a badass. Why she scares me as much as she makes me…"

Jake drowns the last part of his speech in his beer and looks out over the water.

"This is different," I try to explain.

He looks at me. His eyes are clear - big and black. Like he's willing to show me how he feels and I can't look away. I almost wish I liked him. It would be so much easier.

"It's different because you care," he tells me. "It's scary. But you've gotta go for it, Bella. You won't be able to live with yourself if you don't."