Summary


SUMMARY: She was clearly in pain. She clearly needed help. How could I deny her? How could I ignore the distress of a child of God? I couldn't. And that was my downfall.

BxE AH AU of the spiritual kind

A collaboration between Belladonnacullen & FictionFreak95.

Please note that we don't own Twilight, or Catholic prayers, this is simply a work of fanfiction.

(originally posted to FF.net 01.13.2020)


Chapter 18 - Faith

 

Chapter 18. Faith

Father Edward

I'm early for my lunch date with Bella.

Nerves eat away at me like acid through metal. I'm not sure I can hold down the coffee in front of me, much less food. Instead, here I sit, craving something I know I'll never have.

Cars drive by outside. I busy my mind by counting out of state license plates. Then I start organizing the sugar packets at the edge of the table. When the cafe door opens and a bell rings, I look up and attempt to swallow down the ball of tension sitting at the back of my throat.

Bella looks fantastic, as always. No one makes jeans and a t-shirt look as tempting as she does.

I stand as she walks over to the booth. My mouth is dry, my hands unsteady. My heart feels like it's about to burst out of my chest.

I can't help but smile though. I asked to see her and here she is. And I can see from the look on her face that she wants to be here... with me.

"Black Widow. Nice." She gives my chest a nod of approval. Then she looks up and we lock eyes.

I shrug. "She reminds me of you."

"Not Captain Marvel? I could save the universe, Edward." She punches my shoulder with a little more force than strictly needed, like she's trying to prove her Captain Marvel chops.

"Ow." I rub my arm in mock pain as she slides into the booth across from me. "But Black Widow has way more character development."

"As if it's her fault and not the writers'."

I laugh, taking a seat and remind myself I'm not here to debate the inner workings of the Marvel universe. I'd really like to - we haven't even ironed out if she's Team Cap or Team Stark.

So many questions.

I clear my throat and force myself to focus.

She nods to the untouched cup of cold coffee. "Irish this time?"

"I wish."

Bella smirks. It's both sinful and divine. "Me too. Alice has me hopped up on herbal tea. I'm dying here."

I realize I'm practically ogling her and try to concentrate on my coffee instead. I tap the side of my mug like I'm actually debating taking a sip. "I'm glad she has you in her life."

"And I'm glad you're her priest. I never thought church could be -" Bella's eyes flick over my chest then back to my face. "Like you."

I'm self-conscious all of a sudden then I remind myself why she's glad I'm Alice's priest. "She told you."

"She didn't have to. Some things you just see." She looks into my eyes and the rest of the coffee shop melts away. "And you know."

"I do."

We stare at each other like we're backstage and she's in my arms. Like we're holding hands in the back of a car. Like it's us against her family in the hospital waiting room.

"I knew from the first time I saw you," she murmurs then glances at her lap.

"What?"

She shakes her head. "Never mind."

Before I can stop myself, I reach across the table and take her hand in mine. Bella glances down at our entwined fingers, then at me.

"Tell me?" I practically beg.

"Oh my God, you're embarrassing me." She looks out the window at the passing cars.

I let go of her hand and remind myself of all the times I pushed when I should have left her alone. "I'm sorry."

She laughs a little under her breath. "Drink."

"Proposing that game was probably not my best moment."

Not as a priest, anyway. As Edward, it was pretty incredible.

"You've had plenty of fine moments lately. You've been taking care of my whole freakin' family. You're… awesome."

And she doesn't duck her head or look out the window. She's just smiling as she gazes across the table at me.

A waitress appears and the moment's over. I take the interruption as an opportunity to side-step the compliment I don't deserve.

"You look like you're feeling better." The last time I saw her she was crying, shaking, in pain. Today she seems good. Really good.

"Kissing a priest has that effect on me, I guess," Bella replies. The server's pen clatters onto the tabletop. Bella bites her bottom lip and peers out the window. I smile politely, but the waitress won't meet my eyes as she scoops up her things and leaves.

I remind myself there's no need to panic. No one knows us here. Our server probably thinks it's some kind of joke. Two weeks ago I would have thought so too.

I spin my coffee cup around on it's saucer, trying not to think of all the effects that kiss has had on my life. On my body, my mind, my dreams. Christ, those dreams.

And shit, here I am thinking about all of it. I rub my eyes then try to re-focus. "I thought maybe being around Alice was helping."

"You clearly underestimate your superpowers. Haven't you noticed you have this effect on people?"

"I don't generally make a habit of kissing parishioners, Bella."

She raises an eyebrow.

"Just one." Just her.

"One kiss ever? I find that hard to believe. After… that."

"I wasn't always a priest." It comes out before I can stop myself, and Bella rests her chin on her hand as she grins wickedly from across the table.

"I almost forgot about the unpriestly stuff," she says. "You promised me stories, you know."

She says the word unpriestly and it makes me wish this was any other lunch, on any other day, with the girl who managed to blow up my life with a kiss. "I wouldn't even know where to begin."

"Who was your first?"

My body stiffens. Jesus. I haven't talked about Kate Denali in roughly ten years.

"Never mind," Bella says, like she knows what I'm thinking. Like she wants to spare me some embarrassment.

"Pre-priesthood, pre-Fergie," I tell her like I owe her an answer but can't quite give it to her. My words feel raw and clumsy. I'm not used to talking about my past, but it's also refreshing to sit here and talk about things that don't have to do with God and sermons, or dioceses in Italy that need a new priest.

"If that's your idea of a juicy story, you're never getting a live performance, buddy."

"It was high school," I add. Like that somehow makes it juicier.

"Did your parents know? Mom nearly killed me."

"Um," Speaking of things I haven't talked about in ages. "They were dead by then."

"Shit, I'm sorry." This time she's the one to reach for my hand. She rubs little circles over the top with her thumb.

I don't pull away.

"It's okay." I relax, watching her trace patterns. Like with the tiniest movement she can ease years of pent up tension. "Jasper was a pretty decent replacement."

"You said you guys were close, I didn't realize you were family."

"Not many people do," I admit.

Bella's order arrives and it's like we just got busted telling secrets and holding hands.

She blushes as she taps her foot impatiently. I pray for the server to hurry as she arranges everything on the table. Once she's gone, Bella sits up a little straighter.

"You know every painful detail about my family, but I don't know anything about yours."

As I watch Bella add some cream to the coffee she ordered, it crosses my mind that I haven't ever spoken about my parents to a parishioner before. Not once.

"I don't have much of a family." I straighten up some. "After my parents died, I went to live with Jasper at St. Vincent's and..." I trail off, ashamed to admit what kind of kid showed up at the boys' home. Unable to put into words all of the reasons I ended up there in the first place.

I decide to try to take a sip of my coffee after all, but - bad idea. It's cold and my stomach lurches from the bitterness.

"Was it Bishop Whitlock, I mean Jasper who taught you about Beethoven?" she asks.

"No," I say, barely. Then I clear my throat and finish. "That was… pre-Jasper."

"Pre-priesthood, Pre-Fergie, Pre-Jasper. For a guy who's always asking people to confess, you're pretty evasive when you talk about yourself."

Bella's intuitive enough that I feel more exposed than I ever have with Jasper. But she's also quiet and kind, and it makes me want to tell her everything.

"It's just... Jasper turned my whole life around. At some point I remember thinking, whatever happened before was just unimportant. I made a choice to forget about it."

"Meanwhile my mom makes sure I remember everything like it happened yesterday."

"She loves you. She's just a little…"

"Catholic?" Bella asks.

I laugh. "I was gonna to say overbearing"

"And Jasper wasn't?" She seems genuinely surprised.

"I wouldn't call Jasper overbearing." I grin. Most of the time I thought he was a pushover. "He taught me there's more to religion than punishment and shame."

Bella traces imaginary circles on the tabletop. "It's kind of weird to me how a bishop is such a big deal in your life. Honestly, he kind of freaks me out."

"Does it freak you out that I'm…?"

Bella glances at my neck for just a second, like she can still see the shadow of my collar.

"It used to. And well, now... it's complicated." She picks at the bagel she ordered.

"Yeah. It certainly is." So complicated I keep forgetting why I'm supposed to be here. So complicated I'd much rather move to the other side of this table and kiss her again than tell her why I invited her to lunch.

"Complicated or not, I'm actually glad Mom made me go to confession last week." Bella peeks up at me. "Don't ever tell her that. Okay?"

I try to smile back. "Promise. And I'm glad you were there too."

"Why do you look so sad, though?"

I'm an open book when it comes to Bella. And as much as it hurts, it's time to address the elephant in the coffee shop. "Because... the truth is, regardless of how grateful I am that I've met you… I've been selfish."

"Excuse me?"

"Selfish."

She shakes her head and mumbles something under her breath before she sips at her coffee again.

"What?"

She looks at me.

"You're a stupid. Hot. Humble. Priest."

The laughter that rips through my chest is painful. "We can at least agree on the stupid part."

"Don't even try to fight me on hot."

Even though she has the annoying ability to make me smile, I remind myself I'm not here to get swept up in the fact that she thinks I'm hot. Or to tell her I think she's the sexiest woman I've ever met. Or how intoxicating that kiss was. Or how I've thought about it every waking moment since.

"Glad we're in agreement," she says, breaking the quiet. "Because when you smile like that, I just about die every time." Her cheeks go pink, but she doesn't look away.

"You're blushing."

"Jesus." She hides her face behind her hand.

"Don't." I reach across the table and pull it away. "It's beautiful."

Bella sighs. "So. Fucking. Complicated." She leans forward just a little, biting her lip again, still staring.

"Fuck," I mumble.

I'm making this worse, not better. And if I don't make things right now, I may never do it.

"Is it back on the table, then?" she asks. "Fuck?"

I close my eyes for just a moment, trying very desperately not to think about my filthy dreams, romantic fantasies, or all those ways I came up with to make her smile.

I look up at her again. I swallow. I try to breathe.

"I've been telling myself this whole time that you needed me. That I'm your only choice. That it was my obligation to be there for you. And it's given me all the reasons I needed to be close to you. But in reality… you didn't need me at all. And I shouldn't have -"

"Wait, what?"

"That kiss the other night…" I can't finish the thought, because honestly, I have no fucking idea what I'm doing or how to navigate these feelings I have for her.

"I can't stop thinking about it," she admits.

"It's why I wanted to see you today."

And then there it is, in the way her eyes dim, the way the smile fades from her lips. It's like she's heard my thoughts before I can say them out loud. She shakes her head.

"No."

"I just think," I take an unsteady breath. "No, I have to believe that..." Jesus, this is awful. And awkward. And completely fucked.

"Kissing is off the table too," she says.

"It's more than that, Bella."

"No dancing either?"

"I can't be your priest anymore."

Fuck. I said it. And I do not feel better for it. Not even a little bit. I'm desperate for a way to make this ache go away. To make my chest not feel like it's about to crack open.

"No, no, no! You're wrong. I need you. I'm sorry I kissed you, if that's what you need to hear."

She reaches for my hand, but I'm afraid I'll give in if I let her touch me again. So I pull away.

"Jasper's really good at what he does, Bella. He could counsel you. He can-"

"You expect me to confess to the guy who helped raise you about… kissing you?"

"If you don't feel comfortable with him, there's a parish close to your parents'. St. Luke's. The um… priest there is… he's…" Not my first choice. But it's better than leaving Bella with no one.

She shakes her head. "I just want you. I don't need those other guys. I shouldn't have gone to St. Mary's the other night. I'm sorry." It looks like Bella's fighting back tears.

"I let how I feel about you get the better of me."

I hear the breath catch in her throat. She leans across the table.

"How do you feel. About me?"

It's not a difficult question to answer.

"I …"

But words fail me. I can't possibly tell her without making this a hundred times worse.

"See, me too," she says quietly.

My head spins. The truth is, I've never wanted anything more than I wanted that kiss. Nothing.

"I guess it'll be less confusing if you're not my priest," Bella finally admits.

"You agree then?" I don't know if I'm relieved or disappointed. Relieved we seem to be on the same page maybe. Disappointed I've let it come to this.

"I always mix up Father and Edward. Might seem easy on your end, but I can never keep you guys straight. So we're just friends? Uncomplicated friends?" She shrugs and sips her coffee. When she glances back at me, her smile looks strained.

Maybe not on the same page as much as I thought we were.

She reads my expression and the smile disappears altogether. "Oh."

"I don't think we can be friends either."

"You can't be serious… You're serious. Fuck."

"Bella -"

"If you're not my priest and you're not my friend, you really don't have a say in how much I swear."

"When I'm with you, I forget about the vows I took. I can't think about anything but you. My most significant relationship is supposed to be with God."

"Yeah, I get it. I'm no competition for God."

"No, Bella, this isn't about you. At all. This is about… shit."

She folds her arms across her chest. "And now you're letting me down with that line?"

I run a hand through my hair and let out a sigh of utter frustration. "I'm saying this all wrong."

"Let's make it clear, then. You're cutting me loose as a parishioner. And as a friend."

Nope. I've been saying it right. It just feels wrong.

"I'm sorry." I bow my head. "I take all the blame for this. I hate that I hurt you. I just hope you can forgive me."

"No. I won't contribute to your self-deprecation, Father. And I'll be honest, I'm only a little sorry. And I wouldn't want to take it back."

Using my words against me. Low blow. Not that I blame her. I should have known better. I should have thought before acting. I should have done a lot of things.

"For the record-" I take a deep breath. "I'm not sorry for the kiss. Or our friendship. Not one second of it."

Bella arches an eyebrow. "What exactly are you sorry for, then?"

"For failing as a priest."

"Well, that's just dumb. You're the best priest I know."

I'm the only priest she knows.

"Good priests don't kiss their parishioners."

Bella smirks as she starts to gather her purse. "If all good priests can kiss like you can, well, it's their parishioners' loss."

"You're not making this easy."

"Yeah, well this is hard."

Despite her anger, I see the hint of a smile tug at the corner of her mouth. I can't help but shake my head at her.

"What? It's difficult, Edward. And very... very hard."

"Not helping."

"Seriously. Has a priest ever broken up with you? It's kind of devastating."

"I get it."

Bella sighs. "I get it too… This. Right here." She points between the two of us. "Probably why we shouldn't be friends."

"You have other friends." It's a weak attempt at making her feel better, but it's true. She's always had other friends.

"Yeah, but you're one of a kind. Even if you are kinda hard… headed."

I can't help myself. "You give me some stiff competition."

The two of us laugh, but it sounds sad.

"Good one. I'm gonna miss this." Bella tries to smile but it doesn't reach her eyes.

Our server slips the check onto the table. Bella pulls out her wallet. I put my hand over hers, all too aware that it's probably for the last time.

"I got this."

She looks me steadily in the eye. "You could have. For sure."

xXxXx

Outside, Bella hesitates before she heads toward home.

"Listen, in all seriousness, thanks for being there for my sisters. And for me. Until I pushed you over the edge or whatever."

"Bella-"

"But I need one last thing."

"Anything." Except friendship. Except being her priest.

She smiles and it's breathtaking and heartbreaking. The wind kicks up and blows her hair. She bites her lip.

"Could I have a hug?"

My answer is reaching for her and pulling her against me like my life depends on it. She holds me tight. She breathes me in. Her hands fist in my hair.

I press my face into the crook of her neck, my lips rest against her skin. It's so warm. Impossibly soft.

I don't realize I'm kissing her until she sighs, relaxing into me.

Her neck tilts. I kiss her shoulder.

And then I'm cupping her face, holding her carefully. Lost in her eyes.

Without another thought in my mind, except how good it feels to hold her like this, my lips press against hers and she hums.

Her hands slip around my waist. Under my tee. Her fingers slide up my back.

Our lips part. I clutch at her hips, pulling her body roughly against mine. Everything inside me wants more. Of her. Of this.

Bella's breath hitches.

"Fuck."

I'm not sure which of us said it, but the word vibrates between us.

I don't pull away from her. I couldn't if I wanted to. But I can't let it continue either.

Instead we stand there, foreheads touching, eyes down. Breathless.

It's Bella who finally speaks. It's just a word. Just a whisper. Just a thought.

"Thanks."

Before she finally leaves.

I watch her go as I dig into my pocket. She turns a corner without looking back as I light a cigarette and take a drag.

I squint up at God as I exhale.

Then point to Him. "Me and you are gonna talk later."

Because for a conversation that was supposed to be the right thing to do, watching Bella walk away feels completely wrong.


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