Summary


SUMMARY: She was clearly in pain. She clearly needed help. How could I deny her? How could I ignore the distress of a child of God? I couldn't. And that was my downfall.

BxE AH AU of the spiritual kind

A collaboration between Belladonnacullen & FictionFreak95.

Please note that we don't own Twilight, or Catholic prayers, this is simply a work of fanfiction.

(originally posted to FF.net 01.13.2020)


Chapter 28 - Enlightenment

 

Chapter 28. Enlightenment

Father Cullen

I canceled breakfast with Jasper.

It was an executive decision.

I'm not up for food. And I was halfway back to St. Mary's, with memories of spending last night Bella coming back to me, when I realized I have some soul searching to do.

Which is why, despite the pounding headache, the nausea, the dehydration, and everything else that comes along with the remnants of my night out, I'm sitting on the floor of my office. I'm surrounded by old research papers, the King James and the New International versions of the Bible, and my laptop. It now has ten tabs open.

"Father?" Leah peeks in from the hallway with a liter of water in her hands.

Thank God for Leah. "Thank you."

She leans over my mess of papers and hands it to me. "You sure there isn't something I can help you with? I'd be glad to-"

I wave her off as my phone buzzes.

"All good, Leah, really. Thank you though."

Leah disappears from the doorway but doesn't quite close the door as I read a text.

Make it home ok? Bella asks.

Define okay - I text her. My head feels like someone drove a stake through it

I'm sending Dad to confession. It must be a sin to get your priest soused.

I laugh and hold my head because, laughing… ow.

She sends a selfie from the beach next. The waves are crashing in the background. She's wearing the flannel. And the smile.

Miss you - she texts.

Ditto - I send.

You doing as you've been told?

I'm lost but also amused. It's not nice to give me riddles this morning, Bella.

Check your pockets.

She's very cryptic, but I do it.

I find my lighter, cigarettes, a spare pen, and my wallet.

I'm about to text her back when I feel a tiny rolled up piece of paper.

I grin.

Keep on priesting on. And don't forget to drink plenty of water.

Something about the note makes my hangover seem worthwhile.

I follow my orders and drink half the bottle Leah gave me. Then I set my phone down and pull an old write-up of mine on the Book of Ruth out of a stack of three ring binders.

I smile at the paper I wrote, once upon a time.

"Had no idea who you really were back then, Ruth," I say to the manifesto. Then I open up the King James version of the Bible sitting next to me. I flip to her book, lean back against my desk, and read.

xXxXx

Muffled voices out in the hallway pull my attention away from the computer.

I've lost track of time. I only know I'm feeling better than when I woke up this morning. Both physically, and spiritually.

When I started my research today, I thought I'd find some definitive proof that what I'm feeling for Bella… where things are going with her… is okay in the eyes of the church. What I've realized is, it doesn't matter to me anymore what the church thinks. What matters is what's in my heart.

The more I read, the more clear it becomes. The rules of the church don't have as much to do with what the Lord wants, as they do with what men want. What they choose to believe.

As the voices out in the hallway get louder, I check the time and fuck. I have confession in a half hour.

I wonder if Bella will make a showing in the dark, dank box. Then I wonder if I'll be able to keep myself from making it completely blasphemous if she does.

Lord, help me get through this day.

I down another half liter of water as images from last night flash through my mind. Bella on my lap, practically topless. Of her laughing. Singing. Sleeping next to me.

"Knock, knock."

I look up to see Jasper peeking in. He seems concerned as he inspects the mess I've made. I can't help but think Leah called in the troops.

"Everything okay in here?" He steps over a pile of books I've pulled off the shelves, things I haven't read in years.

I type in another Google search on my laptop:

Ephesians definition of sexual immorality

"Would you like to know how many interpretations there are on what this book says about sex outside of marriage?" I hold up the King James version of the Bible I've been pouring through. The New Oxford Annotated version sits next to me.

Jasper narrows his eyes. He knows what I'm getting at.

Good.

"Did you know the Catholic Church allows priests to have a wife in certain cases?" I click on a tab I just had open about Laicization.

"Yeah, but-"

"Of course you have to already be married before you become a priest. And there's all kinds of stipulations attached to the exception."

"They're very rare," Jasper points out.

"Yeah, but they still make exceptions."

He takes a seat. "Your point?"

I take a deep breath. "Celibacy is supposed to be who a priest is, what makes him stand out. If they're gonna crack the door to exception, why not throw the damn thing open all the way?"

Jasper shrugs. "It's the rule, Edward. It's not our place to-."

I laugh. It's bitter. "Did you also know the requirement of celibacy isn't even mentioned in the Bible? Like, fucking anywhere?"

I wonder now how I never knew it before. But before, it wasn't an issue. Before Bella. Now everything I thought made sense feels like it's flipped upside down.

Jasper seems lost in thought.

"That rule was created by men, Jasper. Of our church. To avoid nepotism." I wave a hand. "So some jackass couldn't make his son or nephew a priest. Ridiculous, right?"

"Celibacy is there for a reason, Edward," he tells me in his cool, calm, and collected way. "It's so our attention isn't divided between God and worldly things."

"God gives us free will. Why can't the church? Why can't that be my decision to make?"

"In the Vatican's eyes, it's what God wants. It's how they interpreted the Bible, it's-"

"It's bullshit is what it is. I mean yeah, the Bible's there to guide us. But they can't just arbitrarily make decisions for people. We're ultimately in charge of our own lives, right?"

"Have you been getting sleep?" he asks. "You seemed distracted the other night at dinner."

He looks like he just realized something as an afterthought. "Did you even come home last night?"

I ignore his question and pat my chest. "We're the ones who should determine what we believe in. Not these... men in Rome, on our behalf. That's totalitarianism."

He kind of laughs. "I get you wanna follow your rebellious instincts, Edward. But we all knew what priesthood looked like."

Sure, I knew. But I didn't care. Not back then. Now, maybe there's something else I care about too. Someone I care about.

Jasper sighs. He rubs his jaw, debating something. Or maybe trying to recall a memory.

"I ever tell you I was in love once?" It sounds like a confession. Like he wants me to absolve him of this hidden sin from his past.

I look over at him, stunned. I expected more arguing, not a declaration of his past sins.

He smiles like he hasn't thought about it in decades.

"I thought I was, anyway." He leans back into his chair and takes a deep breath. "I was so sure back then."

"I thought your first love was God."

I spin and cross my legs like I'm in Bible class, ready to hear this new parable he's about to tell.

"I was really young," he says. "Younger than you and Katie were."

"I never knew you even talked to girls. Ever. Not like that."

His thoughts seem far away. "Her name was Maria."

"And you thought you loved her." That's… a lot. Especially for Jasper. He's never spoken about this part of his life before. I mean, I knew he grew up in a Catholic family and attended mass. He was a choir boy. Then a Deacon. Attended seminary. Became a priest… then Bishop.

So where did Maria fit in?

"Looking back now, it wasn't love. Mostly it was just curiosity. And sex."

"Get the fuck outta here." I truly thought the man was a eunuch.

"Like, a lot of sex. Good sex." He smirks. "Great sex even."

I'm not even able to comprehend Jasper having sex, much less great sex at sixteen.

It makes me think about the way things have progressed with Bella. It's been so fast, so intense.

I love kissing her. I love exploring her body, feeling every part of her against me. I know I want to have sex with her. God help me. But that's all just physical. I want to know everything about her, in intricate detail. I want to go places, see people, learn things... with her.

The lust is there. It's overwhelming, but it's so much more than sex.

"What happened?" I ask him.

He shakes his head and shrugs. "The church has rules. I had to make a choice. I chose God."

He says it like it's no big deal. And I wonder if she ever was, the way Bella is for me.

"Any regrets?" I can't imagine having to choose between Bella and God. But when Jasper looks me in the eye and smiles the way he does, I see it was never really a choice for him.

He doesn't hesitate when he answers. "Not a one."

I let it sink in for a minute while Jasper studies me.

"I know you just met her," he says. He doesn't need to say Bella's name. We both know who he's talking about. "It's only been a little over a week but you seem… different."

"I wasn't expecting her," I tell him, my eyes falling to the floor. "I didn't know…" And I'm not sure how to finish that sentence. I didn't know someone like her existed? Someone I fit so perfectly with? Someone who makes my heart more full than it's ever been before?

It's not more than my love for God. But yeah… different.

Different enough that she makes me want to find a way to fit whatever this is between us into my priesthood, if that's even possible. After everything I've learned today, I hope maybe it is. Or could be.

When I meet Jasper's eyes again, I feel like maybe he gets it. Maybe. Only neither of us is sure what to say. We're both in unchartered territory.

My phone buzzes again and I pick it up to see another photo from Bella.

This one is just her bare toes in the wet sand. Thinking of you

I breathe easy and smile but feel Jasper watching me.

I'm sure in most cases, toes and sand are some of the most innocent things in the world.

But I've got to hide the photo.

And I'm sure I feel regret.


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