Chapter 37 - Love

 

Chapter 37. Love

Bella

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"Amen."

A hush falls over the congregation as Edward gazes into my eyes. His feelings for me are unmistakable. It washes away the loneliness I felt after waking up alone. In fact, it just about washes away all the pain I've felt since I was a kid. I hold my breath and hold onto the moment. I'm about to stand up and fall into his arms when Bishop Whitlock clears his throat.

One quick glance in the bishop's direction, and it's clear he knows. He is not pleased. I think my cheeks burst into flame before I look back at Eddie - warm and quiet, clutched to my chest, asleep in my arms.

Tears stream down my cheeks. Alice squeezes my knee.

It was one thing when I confessed to Alice, when Rosalie guessed about the two of us, or when Emmett joked after Angie's wedding, but Edward just stood in front of the whole congregation and singled me out.

I probably shouldn't have come. Family or not, it was selfish.

As Edward walks back to the altar, I hold what's left of the wafer against the roof of my mouth, savoring something that touched his fingers.

The last bit of Mass is a blur. I only hear my heart thumping in my ears. I feel the bishop staring. I concentrate on the sleeping baby in my arms.

Talk about an unexpected path. I don't doubt the past two weeks were something like fate. If I was a believer, I'd call it God. This trip saved me in more ways than one. Edward saved me. I just need to make sure it's not at his expense. I hope maybe, somehow, this helped him too.

I dimly see Edward as he walks up the aisle with the recessional, then I jump to my feet.

"I can't do this, Alice," I tell my sister as people start to file out of their pews.

"Do what?" Jane asks, taking Alice's hand in hers. Mr. and Mrs. Aiello's eyes look like they're going to bug out of their heads as they walk by.

"Would you get my luggage for me?" I ask them both. "Meet me with it back at the house?"

"Are you going to him?" Alice asks in a whisper. She nods toward the front of the church. Edward usually waits on the front steps to say goodbye as parishioners leave.

"No." I eye the side door. I don't want to think about what he might do, or how I'd give us away if he reached out to shake my hand. If he looked into my eyes. If he murmured my name.

"Thanks for holding Eddie," Rose says, plucking him out of my hands.

"He was a fucking godsend. I don't know what I would have done without him."

Without another human in my arms, I feel exposed and very much alone.

Rose smiles. "He loves you. You know, Em and I actually have something we wanted to ask."

Out of the corner of my eye, I spot Bishop Whitlock lingering near the vestibule.

"Can we talk later?" If I don't get out of here, my family is either about to watch me get chewed out by a bishop or kissed by a priest. Maybe both. I'm half afraid the whole place is going to go up in a blaze of hellfire.

With quick hugs all around, I duck out and double-time it to my parents'. The sleepy streets of Sheepshead Bay are a blur as I half walk, half run to the house. Dad always leaves the side door to the garage unlocked, and he always leaves his cigarettes in the same spot.

Thank God.

I glance up at the ceiling.

Thanks, God.

My fingers shake as I try to light a smoke. I feel a little better with the first drag. In just another few hours, I'll be far enough away from Edward that I won't block the path God's trying to show him.

I try to hold onto my conviction that this was meant to be. With another drag, I attempt to chase away doubts that I just used sex to get what I wanted. I remind myself this was so much more than seducing a priest.

Because it was everything to me.

I remember how certain Edward was when he came to me two nights ago. How right the world felt when I was in his arms.

I think about how he made time for just the two of us and how we'll have it forever.

How I told myself it was enough… and how my stupid heart wants so much more with a man who was never in a position to give it to me.

"Isabella!?"

I gasp and drop the cigarette.

I spin around as the garage door swings inward.

"Thank fuck," Edward says with a sigh. "I didn't know where you went."

His hair is a mess and I love it. He's ditched the collar and the clerical shirt and is wearing a t-shirt that says 'I Love You 3000'. I love it, even if it is Iron Man. Fuck, I love it more because it's Iron Man.

Stupid, sexy, steadfast priest.

The fingers of his right hand stretch a little, then clench, like he's reaching for me, or reaching for a cigarette. Probably both. And I love it.

I love him.

In my head, I throw myself into his arms. In real life, I force myself to stay put.

"How did you get here?" I ask instead.

Edward chuckles. It's breathless and deep. It makes my bones vibrate. It makes my skin feel like it's electrically charged. "Same way you did. I think you probably ran. I walked. It was a fast walk."

He takes a step toward me and I back up. With another step, my back's against a ladder hanging on the wall.

"You didn't stand for Communion," he says.

"I told you before, Edward. I don't believe in it."

"You do," he insists. "You talk silently to God. You pray all the time."

I shake my head. "Things are fluid, you know? I don't know what I believe in. "

His hands rest on my hips as he looks into my eyes. "Please don't joke. Don't lie. Not now. Not to me."

"Fine. You want the truth?" I ask. I take a shaky breath. "I believe in you."

I don't think I've ever believed in anyone more.

Edward pushes some hair behind my ear. A ghost of a smile passes over his lips. "It's so much more than that, and you know it."

"It is. You also made me believe in my family more than I ever have before. Thanks."

"You believe in yourself."

I nod. It's true. I'm the person I want to be, living the life I've always wanted to live.

He runs his fingers through my hair and cradles the back of my head in his hand. "And this? Us?"

I blink back tears. "These last couple of weeks were the two most important weeks of my life."

"Me too," he says. His brow dips as he studies my face. "But…?"

"I'll never forget it, okay? I promise." I hook my fingers through the belt loops at his hips. I can't keep my body away from his, no matter how hard I try. My hands settle. My fingertips dig.

"You don't have to forget," he murmurs. His hand fists my hair and he cinches an arm around my waist, pulling our bodies flush as his lips meet mine. My resolve crumbles as my body melts into his.

He clutches me like he's holding on for dear life. Knowing this is the last time, I give up and get careless. I do the same. His hands are everywhere, and I can feel how much he wants me. Sparks turn to flame and Edward seems to agree. His hands slide underneath my shirt, and I almost think he's going to pull it off.

Dear God, I'd let him. I want him to.

It feels like we're trying to consume one another or crawl inside one another. Edward lifts me into his arms and I wrap my legs around him. I moan into his mouth and grab his shirt, hiking it higher so I can touch, so I can hold. He clutches my ass with one hand and unclasps my bra with the other as I grind against him. When he pushes me against the wall for leverage, my back clatters against the ladder.

I shriek and scramble from his arms as Edward lunges, catching the ladder before it can fall on my head.

"Saving me one last time," I joke. I take a few steps to put some space between the two of us. I refasten my bra. I take a deep breath.

Kissing was a bad idea, but having sex in my parents' garage would have been disastrous. Someone would have found us. Either I would stay in Brooklyn, or Edward wouldn't. Neither of those decisions would be right.

He hangs the ladder back on the wall then adjusts himself. When he looks at me he seems exasperated. "You still don't get it, do you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You've helped save everyone around you. Alice, Jane, Rose, Angela… me."

"Now who's lying?" I huff.

"Bella, without you I-"

"I should never have come to church today, okay?" I interrupt before he can say something that can't be taken back.

"You're always welcome at St. Mary's."

"It could have cost you everything. I confused it all for faith."

Edward's eyes go wide and he leans against the wall, almost like he needs the support. His smile lights up his face. "You had faith? About attending Mass?"

"Yeah, but I was wrong, so-"

"There's no wrong way to do it," Edward explains. "It's like-"

"You can make it right with the bishop. Tell him it was me. He won't be surprised. He'll believe it was my mistake."

Edward purses his lips, takes a deep breath, and transforms into the priest I've seen on the pulpit. He's as intimidating as he is loving, and it's almost too much to handle.

"You have it backwards," he tells me quietly but insistently. "I had a responsibility to you as your priest. If there were mistakes made, they would be mine. But this…" he says, pointing between the two of us, "This was not a mistake."

Edward waits for me to reply, but I want him so much, I don't trust myself to speak.

"You can't believe that," he begs. "I won't believe it!"

"You can confess, okay?" I take his hands in mine. I clutch. He has to listen. "Ask Jasper's forgiveness. You can go back to how it was before I came, back to whatever path Jasper told me you were on. God's path, right? Become a bishop. A cardinal. Do amazing things."

He twines his fingers with mine. "I'm already on the path. Promotions, power… none of that's important to me."

"It should be. It's important to me." My voice is rising. I feel frantic.

"You're important to me, Bella. I care about you. I-"

"No!" I shout. I pull my hands away.

"I do," he says, leaving no doubt. Not that I had one, not after last night. Now there's no pretending, though. Edward runs a shaky hand through his hair.

"Edward, you need to figure out what else you care about. Besides me."

We watch one another. Our chests rise and fall together. The air between us feels alive. Everything about him - the way he looks at me, the way his fingers reach for me, the way it feels like he's about to lunge for me - tells me this is all about me.

When it can't be.

What the fucking fuck, God?

"You're praying again. See?" He waves his hand in my direction like I've hung prayer flags or something.

I practically groan. "Don't start with that again, Edward."

"You're the one who started praying, Bella," he says. And goddamn him, he's giving me the look. He's doing it on purpose.

I would so like to kiss that look off his face. I know I could. My whole body wants it. Against the wall, away from the ladder this time. Maybe with Edward against the wall, me on my knees. For a second, I see a long life together and how I could win every single argument about praying. Or not praying. Because I am not praying, for the love of God.

I take a deep breath and try to focus. "Please, this is serious."

"I know it is." He takes my shoulders in his hands and I breathe an involuntary sigh of relief. Warmth spreads from the place where we touch, seeping through my limbs like molten lava.

"Would you…" My voice cracks. It sounds shaky. I take a breath. "Would you want me to give up everything I ever worked for, for you?"

He looks incredulous. "Of course not."

He slides his hands from my shoulders and down my arms. He grasps my hands and squeezes, like he's trying to drive the point home. So am I, so I squeeze his hands right back.

"Neither would I, okay? I couldn't live with myself if you did that," I try to explain.

"It's not cut and dry. We could still be together. There are exceptions."

He says it like he really believes it. He makes me almost believe it too. For a split second, I let myself live out the fantasy. I try to see what he sees, to figure out what that path would look like. Even in my dreams, it doesn't work.

"Really?" I ask. "Exceptions for priests who fall in… " The rest of the sentence lodges in my throat. I grit my teeth and force myself to say something else. "For priests who fuck their parishioners?"

Edward looks like I've slapped him. The connection between us breaks just a little. He steps away. My heart lurches.

"That's not what this was," he hisses.

My eyes burn. My legs feel weak. It's the closest I've ever come to lying to him. "This was something we knew had to end."

"There are advocates for change in the church. Chastity isn't mentioned as a requirement in the bible. We could have a revolution that brings people back to Catholicism."

"You and I don't have another hundred years to wait."

"It could be now. Next week." He pats his chest. "I can help change things."

"Maybe you should, but this, us…" I motion between the two of us. "There's more than a vow of chastity standing in our way. Do you think the church is going to accept a priest with me? That I'm going to suddenly accept them back?"

"I don't give a fuck about who or what the church accepts. I accept you. I love you."

My heart stops beating. My mouth goes dry. Those three words are like a knife through my chest. Every single cell in my body screams it back to him.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I love you more than I knew it was possible to love another person. I love you so much I know I need to get out of your way. I know you've got bigger things to do than just me.

I close my mouth. I clench my jaw. I'm afraid to breathe, let alone speak.

If I say it back, he'll leave his calling, just like Bishop Whitlock told me.

The garage door swings open. My dad stops in his tracks.

"Bella, Father. Shit. I'm…" he sputters, looking back and forth between us, then at the half-smoked cigarette on the floor. "You two musta' snuck in here."

Edward and I stare one another down. Out of the corner of my eye, I see my dad look longingly at his pack of smokes.

"I, uh, should probably get… you know... Rose and Em were looking for ya', Bella. You too, Father."

"I can't now," I say, still watching Edward. "I've gotta get to the airport."

"Your flight doesn't leave for another-"

"I need to leave now!" I say, cutting him off. "I really need to go."

"You wanna come in, Father? There's an unopened bottle of Maker's Mark in there with your name on it."

Edward shakes his head but refuses to take his eyes off me. "I should probably get back. There's, um... the men's prayer group. And a deacon's meeting, I think."

xXxXx

Back in the house, it sounds like a herd of wild buffalo is rampaging upstairs.

"Avengers assemble!" One of my nephews screams, practically rattling the windows.

"Where's my luggage?" I ask my dad. I stare at my phone like I've forgotten how to order a ride.

"In the living room, baby girl. But do you want to talk?"

"About what?" I huff. I try not to cry.

I feel suddenly, incredibly alone.

"You're serious?" He pulls the phone from my hands and tosses it on the table. Then he holds me at arms' length, looking me over like he's not quite sure what to say.

I shake him off and wipe at the corners of my eyes. "There's nothing to talk about, okay?"

"I don't think that's true. The other night at Billy's, he-"

"- was blitzed out of his mind," I remind my dad. "Have you been to confession like I asked? The man could hardly walk."

My father shakes his head. "You show up and suddenly the whole family's in… what did he call it today? The dark, dank box." He chuckles. "I guess I should probably go too."

I laugh through tears. Dad grabs himself a beer from the refrigerator. I shake my head when he offers me one.

"Keep an eye on him for me, Dad? Please?"

He takes a very long swig of his Bud.

"You want me to keep an eye on my priest?"

"He's more than that."

Dad pulls me into his arms. "I know, baby girl. The man's family."

In the living room, the tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Jane and Alice are squished together on one side of the couch, while Mom's on the other side. She's shooting daggers at Angela, who's silently lobbing them right back. Rose is perched on Emmett's lap, trying to shush little Eddie back to sleep.

All eyes snap in my direction when I walk into the room.

"Where's Father?" Angela wonders out loud.

"Um, church, I think." I sniff.

Emmett looks confused. "Uh, no? He was just-" Rose elbows her husband in the ribs and he shuts the hell up. "Ow! Geez."

"You heard Bella. Father had to get to church," she hisses.

Alice smiles brightly. "We took your stuff for you. It's all here." My guitar leans against my luggage next to the front door. It's all ready to go. I'm ready to go.

I don't bother to wipe the tears from my face. There are too many.

"Thanks, Alice. You're the best."

My littlest sister bolts from the couch and throws her arms around my neck. "No, you're seriously the best. I'm gonna miss you so much."

She holds on so tight I think she might strangle me.

"You and Jane should come visit, okay? Whatever city you want. Just let me know."

"You mind if a pregnant lady tags along?" Angela asks.

Alice and I make room in the hug for one more.

"I want to be Iron Man!" one of the kids upstairs yells.

"No, I want to be Iron Man! Edward says Iron Man is the best. And I am the best!"

"I'm going to be Iron Man!"

"But you're a girl!"

"So what?"

"Ow!"

Something crashes overhead. One of the kids starts crying.

"For the love of God," Rose huffs and marches toward the stairs. She plops Eddie into my arms on the way and squeezes my shoulder. "If Angie's going, you better believe I'm coming too."

"Sure thing," I tell her.

"Take care of yourself." She gives me a quick kiss on the cheek. "And don't do anything I wouldn't do," she says as she wipes away her lipstick and a few of the tears with her thumb.

"I Iron Manned you! Ha, ha, HA!"

"That is not how it works, Liam!"

"Yes it is!"

"Ow! Liam! Mommy! Mom! MOM!"

"Liam McCarty!" she shouts as she heads upstairs. "You know damn well Iron Man would never hurt a girl!"

Emmett chuckles. "Kid's in for it if Rosie's swearing. Take care of yourself, Bella." He wraps an arm around my shoulders and hugs me tighter than Dad. "Give 'em hell out there."

"I think I've given enough hell to last me a while."

"Maybe after the girls' trip, me and Ed-"

The look I give Emmett is more effective than a jab to the ribs.

He holds his hands up, purses his lips and exhales slow. "Never mind."

"And you," I say to Eddie. "You take care of your parents, 'cause I know you're way smarter than they are. Keep Liam out of the tuna, and keep your sisters from tearing up Grandma's house. Okay? And no matter what your brothers and sisters say, you little man, will always be Iron Man to me." I brush my nose against Eddie's and he yawns. He's already too cool for his idiot aunt.

When I glance at the rest of the family, they're all staring at me.

"What?" I ask, as I hand Eddie back to Emmett. "Can't an aunt say bye to her nephew?"

"Yes, she certainly can." Mom takes me into her arms. "Remember to call, okay? You can't leave us in the dark like you did last time."

"Yes, Mom."

"And don't drink too much. And no drugs. Well, you're a rock star now, so I understand if you smoke a little marijuana every now and then, but no hard stuff."

"Oh my God. Yes, Mom."

She steps back and looks me over. Then she leans in and whispers in my ear. "And for the love of God, Bella, remember to wear a bra when you're on stage."

When I laugh, there are tears in my eyes.

"It's not a joke, Isabella. Men pay attention to this kind of thing."

"Not as much as mothers do," I tell her, and pull her into one last hug.

"And Bella?"

"Jesus, Mom, what is it?"

She steps back and nods over my shoulder toward the front window. "I think there's someone waiting for you."

My heart hammers in my chest. He didn't leave.

xXxXx

I take a seat on the curb next to Edward. He's got a cigarette clutched between his lips like his life depends on it.

He doesn't look at me, but reaches into his pocket and pulls out his pack of smokes.

"Whatever I need," I say as I take one.

"Whenever you need it," he replies as he holds out his lighter.

I playfully punch his arm. "Thanks."

Edward hangs his head, then looks off across the street as he takes a drag. I fidget with the latch on my luggage.

"So, Minneapolis?" he asks.

"Minneapolis," I agree. At the moment it doesn't feel so appealing. Sitting next to Edward, I'm close to cancelling. I could easily lie to Alec and tell him I'm still fucked up. He'd believe me. I think.

"Let me know how it goes?" Edward asks.

When I glance at him, he's finally peering my way. I recognize the look in his eyes. It's just how I felt this morning when Alice texted and I hoped it was Edward.

He's still hoping.

My stupid heart's hoping too.

I sigh. "I don't think so."

"You're gonna keep me guessing?" He laughs a little. It sounds forced. Sad. "You've become the world's best tease."

"We really shouldn't. We just can't, okay? No talking, no texting. None of that kind of thing."

I couldn't handle it. I can hardly handle this. It would hurt us both too much. Or it would end in Facetime. In some surprise sex-filled visit on the road. I wouldn't have the strength to say no. I'd get in his way.

"But -"

"But you've got to finish building your tower," I tell him. I use the words he read this morning from the Bible.

Edward looks stunned. He smiles and he blinks like he's blinking away tears. "You listened."

"To everything you've ever said. You smart, sexy, surprisingly relevant priest."

"Up until a few weeks ago, I thought I was done building." He takes the last drag of his cigarette, then flicks it into the street. "Then you came along."

"And I almost knocked it the fuck over." I shake my head.

"Not even close. You're the rest of it." He leans into me, warm and solid. I feel the rise and fall of his chest as he takes a breath. "You're the heart of the whole damn thing."

Tears slide down my face. "I can't be that for you. I'd only let you down."

"You couldn't possibly. Ever."

"I'm not a tower, Edward. I'm a person. The rest of what you need to build is in here somewhere," I tell him, my hand over his heart, over his vows. "It's gonna be fucking fabulous. Like the best fucking tower in the history of towers. All the other towers are going to be so fucking jealous."

He laughs as he takes my hand in his. "I don't think that's how towers fucking work."

"Fuck… I don't regret that we put it back on the table."

"I don't have a single fucking regret," he agrees. He pushes some hair behind my ear and sighs. "I love you."

I nod. "I know."

Before I can start sobbing, Edward's kissing me. Soft and slow. Carefully. He worships with his lips. He cradles my face in his hands. He doesn't hold back his love. It pours from him. And maybe it's wrong, but I take it for the last couple minutes we have left.

The Uber pulls up and Edward helps me with my luggage.

"Promise you won't get in touch, okay?" I ask.

Edward looks off into the distance before gazing into my eyes in defeat. "If that's what you need."

I remind myself how faith can't be wrong.

Then I leave Edward with one last kiss on the cheek.

"I do."