Chapter 41. The Good Way, Part I
Bella
The D.J. nods in my direction and the 'On Air' sign lights up over the door. Alec gives me a thumbs up and a confident nod. I take a deep breath and reposition the headphones over my ears. I've done a million interviews but this one feels different now that I'm back home.
"We're back. I'm Sam Uley."
"And I'm Embry Call."
"Embry and I are here in the FUV studios with Bella Swan. Our regular listeners know that Embry and I can't get enough of her debut album, Coastal Places."
Sam picks up a legal pad and starts reading directly from his notes.
"Coastal Places is, in a word, disarming. With each track, bold and intricate instrumentation underlies sweet simplicity and vulnerability in the vocals.
"Earlier versions of some of these tracks could be described as electronic soundscapes, but this album adds much-needed depth and warmth without losing the spontaneity and exuberance of the originals. Embry and I were talking earlier, Bella, and we both hear influences from musical visionaries like St. Vincent and Liz Phair. Hell, I could even hear The Roches and, dare I say it, Janis Joplin?"
Sam glances up from his notes and smiles shyly at me from across the console.
"No. Don't you dare say it." I laugh. My face is on fire. From across the studio, Alec rolls his eyes.
"You can definitely say it," Alec tells Sam and Embry off mic.
My manager is so wrong. Poor Janis is probably rolling in her grave... then grabbing a smoke and knocking back a shot of Southern Comfort to deal with the insult. Okay, maybe Alec has a point.
Maybe.
I narrow my eyes. Alec laughs.
"Bella's in New York to kick off her Bars in Brooklyn tour. This is a homecoming for you, isn't it, Bella?"
I reposition the mic and plaster a smile on my face. Alec always says I sound more appealing when I smile.
"Yep, Brooklyn girl, born and raised. Unlike Janis Joplin who was born in Port Arthur, Texas," I say, staring Alec down.
Embry and Sam laugh. Alec gives me a side eye that could rival Alice's.
"Brooklyn in August is brutal though. Maybe you shoulda' went with Bars in Brussels?" Embry jokes.
"Nah. New York in August is special."
"Ha! Special," Sam cuts in. "Yes, it's very special out there today."
"Listen, don't crap on my city, Sam Uley. You know what they say about not being able to take the heat."
"Last time I checked, this wasn't a kitchen, Bella Swan." Sam raises an eyebrow, and keeps up the eye contact as he takes a swig of his drink.
I nod to the D.J. and raise my cup of herbal tea. Well played.
"Whew! It just got hot in here." Embry chuckles and playfully runs a finger under his collar.
"Wouldn't you rather spend August in the Hamptons?" Sam asks me. "Cold water, cold drinks, half naked on the beach?" The way he's staring at me it's pretty clear this is an open invitation. One I'm not interested in.
"Listen, I don't know where you were raised, Sam, but real New Yorkers spend summer in the city. Concerts in the park, Italian ices, Coney Island hot dogs, empty streets where heat ripples off the pavement, hot nights with a cold beer. It's not like anywhere else in the world."
Embry laughs. "Is the Mayor paying you, or are you doing these ads for free?"
"You almost have me convinced," Sam says, like we're the only two people in the room. "I'd like to try a Bella Swan summer in the city tour."
I press my back against the chair and take a good long sip of my tea.
"So you're back in Brooklyn for the hot dogs and Italian ices?" Embry smiles ruefully, trying to diffuse some of the tension in the air.
It might seem weird, but I love New York in the summertime. When I was a kid we didn't even have air conditioning. The overwhelming heat makes me feel grounded. Sticking to bed sheets on summer nights makes me feel at home.
I am so ready to be home.
Fucking home. At last.
"I came back for my family," I explain. "Headed to Brooklyn the first chance I got. Those other things I mentioned are just perks."
For a split second, Sam's line of vision dips below my neckline. Then he's looking into my eyes again. I thank God I listened to my mom and wore a bra.
I glance at the ceiling.
Thanks, God.
"I think I read somewhere this tour was actually your father's idea," Embry says, snapping me out of my… prayer.
Fine. I pray. Okay? It's no biggie.
Embry clears his throat.
Right. I have to focus. I can talk silently to the Big Guy later.
"It's kind of a funny story," I tell Embry. "My dad used to joke that I could be just as successful touring bars in Brooklyn. I'd make fun of him for it, but he has this super annoying habit of being right. Don't tell him I said that, okay?"
"You want me to bleep that out?" Sam asks with a wink.
"Nah, it's about time he knew. For the record, though, my mom's still wrong about almost everything."
Except bras, I think to myself as I fold my arms across my chest. Sam pretends he wasn't looking. Again.
"I know you started out in Brooklyn bars," Sam says, "But you're just a few months out from touring North America with Mikey Mike. Not to mention South by Southwest, Bonnaroo, Coachella... I probably missed a few. What's your poison, Bella Swan? Stadium shows or stripped down sets in intimate settings?"
I think about the past year. How thousands of people shouting your name make a sound bigger than the ocean. How when a whole field of people stomp their feet and clap, it makes a vibration that moves right through you. But how none of it compares to just me and a mic on a little stage, singing for him. Me on a chaise looking out over the ocean, singing while he holds me in his arms.
"Those productions this past year…" I glance over at Alec and he smiles in encouragement. "My manager took little ideas and made them into something bigger than I could have ever imagined. And I'll always be grateful for the opportunity Mike gave me. He had faith I could carry my end of the bargain, more faith than I had in myself back then. Up until that point, I made my best music in my bedroom, you know?"
"Hella different than what goes on in my bedroom," Sam says. His innuendo is unmistakable. I push myself back from the console and concentrate on Embry.
"This tour's gonna take me back to my roots, honor the people who supported me while I was coming up. And it gives me time with my family. Without them, I wouldn't be here today."
There's one person I don't give thanks to on air. One person I've left out of every single interview. I've tried to make sure that the time we shared would never interfere with his ability to be a priest. I'd never want the world - especially anyone back at St. Mary's - to know he'd broken his vows.
I've been home less than twenty-four hours, but I'm already dying to blurt out his name live on the radio. I'm already itching to head back to St. Mary's. I can't wait for Sunday Mass, even though I know he won't be there.
Most people feel closer to God in church. I feel closer to Edward.
"You know what we have to ask, right?" Sam says.
"About E-... every song in my set?" They're not going to ask about him. They don't even know his name.
"About the one song that's never part of your set," Embry counters.
I sigh. Alec gives me a subtle thumbs up. My personal heartache is the gift that keeps on giving.
"You guys know I have no comment."
"We couldn't help but notice the last time you played it was at a bar in Brooklyn. Any chance lightning might strike twice?"
"I mean, I generally never say never, but, um, never. Not gonna happen. Sorry, fellas."
"You know there's speculation it's about -"
"It's not!" I say loud enough that Embry jumps in his seat. "I've denied it a million times, but no one listens to the person who actually wrote the song or anything."
From across the studio Alec raises his eyebrows. He gives me a stiff nod. I take a deep breath and take a sip of my tea. "I'm gonna keep my private life private. I won't ask about your love life if you don't ask about mine. Deal?"
xXxXx
"Ugh, Sam Uley is such a sleazeball." I shudder as Alec and I step onto the elevator after the interview.
Alec holds the door open for me and shakes his head. "He really wasn't though."
"He was totally hitting on me, like on the air."
"You ask me, I saw a single guy flirting with a smokin' single babe. That's… normal."
"You're my manager. I thought you're supposed to, I don't know, protect my interests or something?"
I wave a hand at him, flustered, but Alec is unphased. He folds his arms across his chest and leans against the elevator. He does this all the time - waits for me to settle down before telling me his side of things.
"Listen, B," he says quietly.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. "Listening."
When I blink my eyes open, I'm calmer. I notice how Alec dressed up for the interview. Underneath his leather jacket, there's a shirt and tie. I also see clear concern in his eyes.
"Part of looking out for you is making sure you're happy. I'm not saying we need another Mike situation on our hands, but you're young. You're single. You shouldn't be spending every night alone. A couple drinks on the beach with a guy who worships you? There are worse things in the world."
A beach. A guy. Someday it's going to mean something besides Edward.
Today's not the day.
I swing my guitar over my shoulder as we walk out of the elevator. Alec holds the door open for me and flinches as he's hit by a wall of humid heat. I lower my shades, plaster another smile on my face, and step outside. Fans have been camped in front of the studio, baking in the sun. I stop for selfies - it's the least I can do.
"Bella's gotta go," he explains to the tiny crowd. He takes me by the arm and steers me toward a black town car with tinted windows.
"What the fuck is this?"
"It's a new contraption they just came up with. Four wheels, seats, a motor..."
"But the train's like a block away. It'll take me right home."
Home, the word rings in my chest like a church bell. I can't fucking wait.
"Yo, you do not need to take the subway anymore."
Alec presses his hand on the small of my back like that's going to get me to do what he says, but I playfully shove him away. His chest is solid, but he takes a step back like I burned him with my touch. "What? Are you scared of the subway?"
"Scared I might pass out. It's gotta be over a hundred degrees out here." He pulls off his jacket and mops the sweat from his forehead.
"And you're trying to tell me I'm uptight? Live a little!" I grab his hand. Alec startles like I've shocked him, but he grips my fingers as I pull him down the block. Fordham Ave is bustling with vendors hawking mangos on sticks, selling sun hats, and pushing carts full of coco helado and ice cold bottles of water. Friends stand around eating fast food and shooting the shit.
Heat radiates from the subway entrance like a furnace. "This is insane," Alec says, gazing down the steps like he's staring into the Hellmouth. He loosens his tie and the top few buttons of his shirt. He smirks down at me. "The things I fucking do for you."
"Riding the subway to prove your love? Who needs Sam Uley when I've got Alec Volterra?" The tops of Alec's cheeks go pink. It's probably the heat.
"The subway's probably the least of your sacrifices when it comes to yours truly."
"The subway's worth it," he says.
On the platform, we're both instantly covered in a sheen of sweat. My t-shirt sticks to me like a second skin. Alec looks like someone doused him with a fire hose. He leans against a steel support beam and pushes his wet hair from his forehead.
Mercifully, the train comes in minutes and Alec and I sink into our seats like someone stole our bones. Covered in sweat and blasted with chilly air, goosebumps tremble to life on my skin. I pull my wet hair into a messy bun.
With each stop the train fills up a little more, until Alec has to lean across the aisle for me to hear him. He looks me in the face, serious and sincere. "You need to stop being such a dork in interviews, okay?"
I shrug. "It hasn't hurt me so far."
He rolls his eyes. "Stop selling yourself short. The next time someone compares you to Janis Joplin, you say 'thank you very much, kind sir'."
"Kind fucking sir? Really?"
"You know what I mean. Stop being difficult for the sake of being difficult."
"I'm being difficult for a very good reason. I'll never in a million fucking years say I'm like Janis Joplin."
Alec looks me up and down. "Maybe you're right. You're no Janis. You're more Alanis... Morissette. You, you, you oughta know," he sings.
I lunge across the aisle and give Alec a shove hard enough that he slides into the empty seat next to him. He practically doubles over laughing. When he sits up straight there are tears in his eyes.
Heat rises to my face despite the freezing cold air. "Don't make me kick your ass."
Alec's eyes sparkle. "Not Alanis either? Who do you think you are, Bella Swan? Fergie?"
My stomach drops to the floor. My eyes burn. I scoot away from Alec. For a few minutes there, I almost forgot him. For a few minutes there I was just hanging out with a friend, with a guy who's been my constant ever since the last time I left Brooklyn.
The last time I left him.
"What's up?" Alec asks.
The conductor announces the Barclays Center stop. I'm home.
Edward
I fight my way through a crowd of people to get on the subway car. It's hot. It's muggy. I don't have time to wait for another train.
As I step inside, I'm sideswiped by someone lugging something bulky over their shoulder while they push their way through the same crowd to get off.
"Sorry."
I stop short at the sound of her voice and try to catch a glimpse of her through the window. A flash of brown hair disappears into the sea of people out on the platform.
It wasn't her. It couldn't be. Why would she be on the subway?
I'm still half asleep.
Fuck.
I forgot how many hours school requires, how much work studying entails. But if I don't get a Masters in Mental Health Counseling, I can't help kids at a professional level, so here we are.
Here I am.
And I wouldn't change a damn thing. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.
Thank you for the path I'm on, Lord.
My path.
It seems like forever ago I was just saying my vows for the first time. It seems like yesterday I was in Italy because I'd broken them.
After everything, it was an easy decision to leave the priesthood behind. Easy to give Jasper my official resignation. Easier than I ever thought possible.
Leaving St. Mary's was not easy.
I miss writing a good homily each week. I miss working to understand the scripture, leading Mass, chatting with parishioners afterwards. I do not miss the rules, the fear of breaking those rules, or the unwillingness of the church to compromise.
At first I was resentful. It stings when you realize the people you're giving your all to aren't willing to do the same for you.
It was a good month after coming home from Italy before I stepped foot inside any church at all. I spent another three trying out different religions to see what fit with my beliefs.
The Protestant Church feels right. The only thing that's difficult to get used to is not confessing my sins to someone in a dark, dank box. It's a small difficulty though, one I'm happy to live with.
Jasper's slowly getting used to my shift in beliefs. Our differences of opinion make for entertaining conversations. Ultimately, he knows I'm still me. I'm still steadfast when it comes to my faith in God, despite my struggles to get back into school mode.
I forgot how hard it is to juggle college and a job. Half the time I'm running on three to four hours of sleep, which is why I was very close to getting locked out of class this morning and why I missed the train on my way to meet up with Emmett for lunch.
Why I'm seeing things.
People.
Bella.
It gives me flashbacks of riding the train with her into NYC. Flashbacks of awkward first conversations and holding hands. The beginning of something special. Meaningful.
The beginning of love.
These days it doesn't hurt quite as much to think about her. I can actually smile at the memory of being backstage with her and Emily and how absolutely flawless and gorgeous Bella was in her element. How she's thriving in that element now.
But even though it doesn't hurt quite as much, I still feel a pang of emptiness inside my chest.
I fucking miss her.
I try not to dwell on how I'm not part of her life anymore. It's enough to know she's happy. She has her family as a support system, something she never thought she had before.
xXxXx
At Shake Shack, Emmett's waving from a corner in the restaurant.
"Sorry I'm late!" I pull up a chair and run a hand through my hair then toss my bookbag under the table.
He quirks an eyebrow and checks his watch, but I know he's just giving me shit.
"No big," Emmett says, then tells his son, "Say hi to Edward, Patrick."
"Dee!" Patrick squeals.
I'm impressed. "That's close, I mean... " I laugh. "As long as he doesn't put an 'eh' in front of it."
Emmett snorts as he hands his son over to me.
As I set my godson onto my knee, I remember the night he was born. I was with Bella.
When she left, it broke me, but it also made me realize I need to be thankful for the people I have in my life. While I have them.
"Thanks for making the time to meet me, Emmett."
He huffs and rolls his eyes. "Like I'd ever say no to lunch."
I peek over at him. "You realize between you calling him Patrick and Rose calling him Eddie, he's gonna be one really confused kid."
Emmett ignores me and nods toward my chest instead. "We just watched that one again this weekend. Rosie bawled her eyes out when Stark died. Again."
"Like you didn't."
"Whatever." He knows I'm right. I've seen it. Besides, who doesn't cry when Stark dies?
"I've only got like forty more minutes," Emmett reminds me. "But I already ordered for both of us." He slides a tray toward me.
"Thank God. I'm starving." I hold Patrick up to see how big he's gotten. "What are you up to today, little guy?"
"He's been helping me run errands for Rosie. She's got a… thing." He says it like either he's completely forgotten what it is his wife is up to or doesn't want to say. Considering who's in town, it's probably the latter.
"Gotcha." I settle Patrick down into his stroller and grab a bite of my burger. I feel the need to make a confession about something that's been weighing on my mind.
I guess it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks.
"Dude, what's wrong with you?" He takes a long sip of his shake.
Emmett's pretty intuitive, but I'm not sure I want to get into this right now.
"Just tired," I try to explain.
"No, it's something else." He looks like he's deep in thought as he eats some french fries. Then he points one of them at me. "Spill."
I take a sip of my shake. If I try to blow him off, Emmett's going to keep hounding me until I give in. So I set my drink down and take a deep breath, then lean toward Emmett so I don't have to say it too loud.
"I think I went on a date last night," I whisper across the table.
Emmett's eyes get huge. He drops the fry he's been holding. Then he starts laughing until his whole body shakes and he chokes on his food.
"What do you mean you think?"
"I mean, I thought I was meeting a bunch of people for a study group and it turned out it was just this woman… and me."
I met June a couple of weeks ago. She seemed… nice. She didn't seem to care that I used to be a priest. Plus, if I'm being honest, she reminded me a little bit of someone else.
Emmett's mouth turns into an "O". He nods his head. He narrows his eyes.
"I know you've been out of the game a while, but that's not really considered a date, Ed."
"I know that, Emmett. Christ." I roll my eyes. "It's what happened after that."
"Maybe you need to fill in the blanks."
I take a moment to gather my thoughts. Then I take a breath before I begin.
"Once we both realized no one else was coming, she suggested we grab a drink."
"I mean, seems logical," Emmett says with a shrug.
"Right. I didn't see the harm in it. I really needed a night off so…"
"So…?" He waves a french fry at me, goading me on.
"We grabbed a booth. We talked a little while. It was... awkward at first."
"Yeah, first dates suck." He laughs.
"This wasn't supposed to be a date though."
"Whatever. Keep going." He sips on his shake but listens intently.
I take another cleansing breath. "I asked her what she thought about our lecture that morning."
"Hold up. What?"
"It's all I had, Emmett. Do you want me to finish the story or not?"
"Dah!" Patrick says. Emmett shakes his head and hands Patrick his sippy cup. "You suck at dates."
"It wasn't a date."
"Right," he gives me the 'okay' sign. I roll my eyes.
"Then she started talking about this band playing down the street. Asked if I wanted to go."
"See? She knows how to date."
I sigh. He's killing me. "I said I didn't really want to, so she ordered us some more drinks. Then I started loosening up a little, you know? Asked about her thoughts on Eric Bana versus Mark Ruffolo's performances as Hulk."
Emmett bursts into a fit of laughter and I wait. When he finally calms down he nods his head. "Yeah, I guess that would be your version of loose."
I try not to take it personally. "Yeah, she laughed too. Said she was sorry, but she doesn't do superhero movies."
I remember feeling buzzed when she said it. I told her to drink but she didn't get it. At all.
"She sounds kinda boring." Emmett yawns to really drive the point home.
"Right?" I lean in again. "That's when she asked if I was dating anyone."
"Oh shit." He covers his eyes with his hand. "Tell me you didn't take the next hour to explain to this girl how you lost the love of your life."
"I did not." I wanted to, but I have some self-respect.
He looks up at the ceiling and claps his hands together. "Thank you, God."
Patrick giggles from his stroller.
"You stay out of it," I tell him. I glance up at the ceiling. "You too."
"Well?" Emmett passes a fry to his son. Patrick stares at it like it's an alien creature.
"Hmm?"
"What did you say to the woman who was clearly on a date with you and asked if you were single?"
"I mean, I didn't know how to answer her. I just kind of blanked."
"For future reference, you say 'I'm single'."
Easy for Emmett to say.
"Duly noted," I tell him.
"That it?" He smirks. "That wasn't so bad."
I take a deep breath and hold it for a minute. I may feel the urge to confess, that doesn't mean I have the right to divulge the entire night.
I trust Emmett though and quite honestly, I could use a friendly ear.
"Ed?"
I peek around at the tables near us and hope no one's listening in.
"Then, she um… climbed into my lap... and kissed me."
"Get the fuck outta here!" He holds a fist up, ready for me to meet him halfway.
"Jesus, Emmett." I glance around to make sure he didn't get the entire restaurant's attention.
When I don't bump his fist, his expression changes. "No?"
I shake my head. "No."
"So?"
"Fuck." I groan. I drop my head into my hands and rub my temples.
I remember how I pulled away from her, surprised and unnerved. Disappointed.
That kiss erased Bella from my lips.
Sitting at the bar with June in my lap, everything felt… final.
"I get it." Emmett winks. "I don't need to hear the rest."
xXxXx
June was oblivious to what she'd done.
"Not a big fan of PDA?" she whispered in my ear. "We can go back to my place. I'm over by Manhattan Beach."
I sat there stunned as flashes of a cottage over in Manhattan Beach flooded in my mind - a balcony, a bed, Bella's mouth on mine, hovering over her, naked. The condoms, the laughing, the teasing.
Prove it.
Would you show me how?
I was still trying to catch my breath from the tidal wave of memories as June scooted out of the booth, pulling me along with her.
I tugged my hand away from hers. "I don't think so."
She laughed. "It's okay, Edward. Really."
"It's not okay with me," Maybe I sounded a little harsher than necessary, but that kiss changed everything.
I'd been dead wrong. June's brown hair wasn't quite the same color as Bella's. Her eyes were more hazel than brown. Her smile seemed disingenuous. She didn't even know which Marvel character Chris Evans plays, for Christ's sake.
She was nothing like Bella.
Nobody is.
"I'm not going home with you."
June sighed heavily. "Should have known." She grabbed her purse. "For a second there, I almost forgot about the priest thing."
It had nothing to do with being a priest. It had everything to do with being in love with another woman.
"I'm..." I didn't finish. I wasn't sorry. I swallowed down the rest of my drink anyway.
xXxXx
"Nothing else to tell, really," I say to Emmett. "I told her I wasn't interested. She left after that."
"I hate to tell you this, dude. But you were definitely on a date." Emmett pops the last bite of his burger into his mouth.
I nod and pick at my fries. I get that people expect me to move on. I get that it probably makes sense, on some level. It didn't feel right last night. It still doesn't today. It may never feel right.
"You okay?" Emmett's mood turns more concerned.
"I mean… yeah? I guess. It was just-"
"Weird."
"Very."
"I get it," he says. "When Rosie and I were dating, I couldn't even imagine being with anyone else."
Lucky for him, he didn't have to. "Yeah."
He checks the time and sighs. He looks like he's regretting how short lived our lunch was. I am too. "I gotta go, dude. I'm sorry," he says as he finishes off his shake.
"No worries." I check the time too. It never seems to slow down these days. "I'm meeting Alice anyway. I'll call you later this week."
"Cool." He gives me a cautious look. "Listen, Ed. If it's supposed to happen, it'll happen."
"Right," I say, even though I don't believe it.
"Oh, shit. Speaking of which... here."
He pulls out an envelope from his shirt pocket and hands it to me.
"Emmett, what the-"
"Don't open it now, just… wait 'til later." He grins like he's got a secret. "After dinner maybe. Or… five o'clock. Whichever."
He's being weird. "Okay." I'm suspicious, but I promise him I won't look as we stand and I grab my bag.
He gives me an Emmett McCarty bear hug. "See ya soon, 'kay?"
"Um. Yeah. Absolutely." I take Patrick's little hand and give it a small shake. "Bye, buddy. Be good to your mom."
I hold the door open for Emmett and watch him as he pushes Patrick down the sidewalk, singing really bad vocals to I'm a Bee.
I shove the envelope he gave me into my jeans pocket and take a moment to thank God again for the people he's placed in my life. Then I follow my path to the subway to try and beat Alice back to my apartment.
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