Chapter 12 - Thirst

 

Chapter 12. Thirst

Father Cullen

I make my way down the stairs of the rectory. I'm quiet. I'm careful. And completely in the dark because the last thing I want to do is attract attention to myself. I don't know why I care. I'm an adult. I have every right to go out if I want, with any friend I choose.

At the bottom of the stairs, I check my cell and sigh with relief that I still have plenty of time. I pull my jacket off of its hook and reach for the door.

"Where ya going?"

I jump and spin and try to catch my breath.

"Fuck. Jasper."

He laughs as he flicks the hallway light on. "Sorry, couldn't resist."

"This isn't St. Vincent's."

He laughs some more. "I know. I know."

"I'm a grown ass man," I tell him.

Jasper looks me over. "That's debatable. Where ya headin'?"

"Visitation."

Shit.

It's the first thing that pops out of my mouth, and now it's too late to take it back.

I don't know what my problem is. I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm meeting a friend.

Lord. Forgive me.

He checks his watch. "At this hour?"

I promise I won't do it again. Right after tonight. "Yep,." I tell him. I'm committed now. There's no turning back. "Desperate family. Very much in need of… prayer. With their priest. Right away. "

Someone needs prayer. Probably me, considering the family I just told him I'm going to see is non-existent.

"Oh." He reaches for his own jacket. "Well, then let me come with you, I can-"

"You can't!" Mother of….

"What? Why not?"

He narrows his eyes. He knows. He always fucking knows.

Um….

"They're very private people," I tell him. "They only called me because they know me. If a stranger came along, they might clam up. You should take the night off… get some rest."

I'm going to Hell for this.

Jesus Christ, Redeemer and Savior, forgive my sins, as You forgave Peter's denial and those who crucified You.

"Well, I mean, if you're sure…"

I grin. "Absolutely. I've got this." Count not my transgressions, Father, but, rather, my tears of repentance.

Jasper seems suspicious, but he lets it go. I tell him I'll be home late. I tell him not to wait up.

I hope he doesn't.

On my way to the subway, I feel awful about the lie, but I'm not ready to share my plans for tonight. Not with Jasper. Not yet.

I haven't been this nervous since I gave my first sermon. Quite frankly, I feel like an idiot having spent the last hour of my life deciding whether I should wear a Winter Soldier or Endgame Captain America t-shirt.

But as I walk, the cold air clears my head, and I talk myself down from overthinking this too much.

It might look inappropriate, but it's not.

We're just hanging out.

Two friends.

In Manhattan.

Late at night.

"What the hell am I doing?"

And then I see Bella waiting for me outside the station. And fuck... She's beautiful.

Her hair's half up and half down, her eyes look so big, and her lips shimmer deep red. A loose sweater hangs off one shoulder and her legs look incredibly long in her skinny jeans.

Total bad ass rock star standing there waiting for me.

She sees me and her eyes light up as she smiles.

I second guess my wardrobe. I should have put something nicer on, considering who we're going to see. Her 'friend' Emily is in contention for a Grammy.

I'm so out of my league. Or I would be if this was a date. But this is not a date.

"So, you're friends with Emily Young?" I ask her when we're close enough to talk. "I thought you said you weren't a rock star?"

I know how much of a rock star she is. Priests do have Wi-Fi. I might have spent a little too much time the other night, watching this one video of her on stage from a few years back. Just her and her guitar in the spotlight. She was right. She's not Fergie. She's not Mariah either. She's Bella Swan and she's amazing.

"You're not gonna geek out on me backstage, are you?" she asks, flicking the butt of her cigarette and grinding it out under the toe of her boot.

"Backstage?"

"Shit, you are. Aren't you, Father?" She pauses and narrows her eyes. "Or Edward?" she asks. "Because tonight we're friends, right?"

Fuck.

My entire body freezes up when she says my name, and I don't know how to respond.

"Or I can call you Father if this is weird. It's probably weird."

Please Lord, let her call me Edward. All night.

"It might be weird for a priest." I try to keep it together. "Edward on the other hand… he's good with it." Then I shrug like it's really no big deal.

"Edward it is."

Praise God.

I stop my hands from making the sign of the cross.

I'm Edward tonight.

Bella's friend.

She smiles. "Big Emily Young fan, huh? That's cool. I'll make sure she knows when I introduce you."

"Please don't."

"Oh my God. Do you have a crush?" She gives my arm a playful shove.

Am I really that obvious?

Bella seems to notice how uncomfortable I am and takes a step away. "Shit, sorry about the Lord. His name. In vain. Fuck, I need to stop talking." She nods her head toward the entrance to the station. "Wanna go? It'll suck if we miss the train."

I let her walk through the turnstile first, because that's what any good friend would do.

"Couldn't find someone more interesting to spend the evening with?" I ask her as we wait with the rest of the crowd on the platform because, come on, who wants to hang out with their priest?

"No one I'd rather chill with, Father… I mean, Edward." She ducks her head and pushes some hair behind an ear. Then she peeks up at me.

And I realize I'm staring. Dear God...

She shakes her head. "Fine, fine… You always manage to get the truth out of me. You handle your liquor better than Alice. And don't give me shit like the rest of my family."

"What about Jake?" I ask.

Bella narrows her eyes. "Good question, actually. You're letting your super power show in public, you know."

I wait for the rest of her explanation, but she's suddenly very interested in an ad for toothpaste.

"Care to elaborate?"

"Not really." She moves on to an ad for Twilight, the Musical.

I don't push. She clearly doesn't want to talk to me about Jake, and it's none of my business. Besides, she's running out of ads to read.

The train pulls up and Bella wastes no time stepping in as the doors open. We find two seats near a tired woman in scrubs and a group of girls dressed for a night on the town. It's quiet between us.

More people board as we make our way across Brooklyn. Packs of young people head to clubs. Homeless people walk through the car every now and then, asking for change. A blind man sets up camp near us and begins playing a violin. Bella relaxes as she watches him, her back falling against the hard plastic seat, her fingers tapping along with the melody. She fishes a few bills from her purse and drops them in his case.

"I love this sonata," she says with a sigh.

"Beethoven fan, huh?"

An eyebrow lifts. Her lips part. "You know Beethoven?" she asks.

I shrug because I don't want to bring up my parents. Not opening up that can of worms tonight.

"Wait, you were surprised I know Beethoven?" she asks.

"More like impressed."

"I am a musician, Edward."

And I can't help but smile. "I know. I found you on YouTube."

"I knew you had Wi-Fi! What did you think?"

What do I think? I think I'm lucky to be sitting next to her.

"Definitely better than Fergie… in my unprofessional opinion" I say, repeating her words from the other night in my office. The ones I've replayed in my head too many times to count.

"Hmm," she says, peering at me out of the corner of her eye.

"Of course, what do I know? I'm just an off-duty priest with a passion for music."

She goes quiet and I find myself glancing around at the other people in the car.

There's a man and a woman a few seats down wrapped up in one another, leaving little to the imagination. It's not the kind of thing people tend to do in front of a priest, and it catches me off guard. They take a break and I look away, but I can feel their eyes on me. I'm uneasy wondering what they must think of a priest riding a train at night with a beautiful girl.

Then I remember, I'm not wearing my collar. And I have a feeling I know what they're thinking. They're thinking this is a date. That Bella and I do that kind of thing too, or that I'm hoping we will be soon.

"Shit," I mumble under my breath.

"What?" Bella asks.

I run a hand through my hair, trying to think of something to say that won't sound like I'm trying too hard to think of something to say.

I force myself to look her square in the eye. She smiles back and fiddles with silver bands on her ring finger enough that I want to reach out and take her hand in mine.

I hear the guy across the aisle laugh. I can't help but think he's laughing at me. Like he sees right through me. Like we both know he's right.

"I don't know," I tell her. "Sometimes I'm not sure where to begin when it comes to you." And wow. It's the first completely honest thing I've said since I met up with her tonight. It's liberating.

"I know the feeling," Bella says as she looks between me and the couple across the way making out again. "Still cool if I ask you anything?"

"Of course."

And she flashes me a devilish grin. "Would you tell me about celibacy?"

We both laugh, but then I realize she's waiting for an actual answer. And I don't know where to begin.

"Sorry," she says, shaking her head. "Maybe it's still too soon to ask you anything. I just can't wrap my mind around it."

"It's fine," I tell her. And maybe it's not exactly fine, but it's been on my mind a lot too. More than it has been in years. "Celibacy is..." I find the best word I can offer. "Uncomplicated."

"I guess? But -"

"A priest's life needs to be uncomplicated. To take care of the lives of others."

"Isn't it a lot to give up?" She nods inconspicuously to the couple across the way. They clearly haven't given up much.

I don't know if I can answer her honestly this time. Not without making both of us uncomfortable.

"But look at what I get in return," I tell her, trying to keep things light. "Cool robes. Collars. A parish full of loyal parishioners that have to sit and listen to every word I say twice a week. The list goes on and on."

She shakes her head. "Some things will always be a mystery, I guess."

Awkward silence falls between us again and I hate it. Then she bites her bottom lip, like she's thinking it over. "I didn't mean to put you on the spot. Sorry."

"It's a good thing we're not playing our drinking game," I joke to change the subject. Also so I don't have to explain how... complicated my thoughts have been lately.

"What game?" she asks.

"The one we talked about the other night? Where you drink every time you apologize for something perfectly acceptable. By my count, that would be three, and we're not even there yet."

Bella looks at me skeptically. "It's not a game if I'm the only one drinking. When would you have to drink?"

I know which thoughts will drive me to drink.

"That's between me and God," I tell her with a wink.

"That's not fair."

Given how she makes me feel, I'm going to be drinking a lot tonight. It seems more than fair to me.

"Should we pray about the rules?" I ask.

"Oh my God," she says with a roll of her eyes. But then she remembers who she's with. "Shit. Sorry."

"That's four."

She laughs. "Maybe you should drink whenever you get a little too Godly for your own good."

"I'm supposed to be Godly," I tell her, unable to stop myself. "Priests are the bridge between God and His people."

"That's two," she says, nudging me with her elbow.

I start to correct her, but then I catch myself. And I laugh. "Touché."

"Listen, you're the most virtuous guy I've ever met and I'm one sorry ass sinner. If we really played, we'd get wasted. You know that, right?" she asks.

"Probably." Without a doubt.

"So we shouldn't."

"Definitely not," I agree. Because it's hard enough to keep myself in check when I'm sober lately.

Bella falls quiet again and I wonder if she's regretting inviting her priest out.

Or maybe she regrets inviting Edward.

Would Edward be sitting here wondering, or would he just fucking ask her?

"Bella, what are you-"

"Hey, it's our stop," she says over the sound of the air brakes. She pulls me up out of my seat and dives into the sea of humanity trying to squeeze through the doors of the train and onto the crowded platform.

I'll ask her later.

xXxXx

Outside the station, there's a long line of people waiting to get into the venue but Bella pushes past them all, with my hand tightly in hers. She strides up to a big man covered in tattoos who's standing next to the door.

"Bell!" he shouts over the noise of the crowd.

"D! Been a while."

The large bouncer pulls her into a hug that takes her feet off the ground and she laughs as he swings her around before setting her back down safely.

"Damn, I've missed seeing you around. How's life on the road treating you?" he asks as he shoves her in the arm with an oversized fist.

She rolls her eyes and makes a sound like she's going to be sick. "Don't get me started."

"Ouch, yeah, I heard about-"

"Demetri!" She cuts him off, giving him a stern look that would put Renee Swan to shame."Gonna let us in or what? It's freaking freezing out here."

"Anything for you, babe." He gives her a wink and then pulls the rope aside. His grin turns more menacing as I pass him by, and he looks me over from head to toe.

I should have gone with Endgame Cap.

Demetri gives me a curt nod and I resist the urge to tell him peace be with you.

Because I'm Edward tonight. Not Father Cullen.

It's crowded inside. Bella grabs my hand and pulls me close. Close enough to see those little flecks of light brown in her eyes. And the shimmer in her eye shadow. Then she goes up on tiptoe to whisper in my ear. Holding her hand like this, her lips tickling me, her hair brushing against my face, she must think this is a date. Right?

"I'm gonna hit the ladies room. Meet me at the bar?"

And, no. We're just friends. Which is a good thing. Because who am I kidding here?

I'm a priest.

In a trendy bar.

Surrounded by people who look like they stepped out of the pages of a magazine. Listening to an opening act that sounds like someone put Nirvana into a blender. Waiting for an up and coming singer songwriter. Craning my neck to catch a glimpse of Bella Swan.

Despite my very rational thoughts about staying sober, I need some help getting out of my own head, so I order something stronger than a beer. I don't have to worry about breaking my vows.

It's not going to happen.

"Hey!" Bella taps me on the shoulder and all my attempts at being rational fly out the window. With that smile, those bright eyes, those glistening lips, and half of her sweater hanging off her shoulder, this is Eden, and God help me, I want to take a bite out of the apple.

Help me not to focus on how soft her skin looks in this lighting. Or how there's no sign of a bra strap peeking out from under that sweater. What she's wearing, or not wearing, underneath her sweater is no business of mine.

Christ, it's warm in here.

And it's much darker than it was a minute ago. And more crowded. Once the show starts it's going to be close quarters. Maybe too close. Friends or not.

Suddenly I don't know where to look. Her eyes are too tempting. Her shoulder. Her hands. Her lips. I look for the bartender with those drinks.

"I'm sorry," she says as the smile fades from her face. I want to kick myself for letting my concern show. "Maybe this was wrong. Leave it to me to…"

The bartender slides the drinks I've ordered across the bar and I quickly take one and hand it to Bella. "Drink."

"What?"

I pull a twenty out of my wallet and place it on the bar.

"You're no longer off the hook for apologizing," I tell Bella because I can't bear the fact that she blames herself for everything that goes wrong. I'm here of my own free will.

"I don't know what I was thinking," she says.

"I think you do. Why did you ask me out tonight, Bella?"

She takes a drink and closes her eyes for a second. Then she looks at me in that way of hers that makes me think she's seeing deep into my soul. "You were right before," she tells me. "Sex is complicated. I don't need complicated right now."

I nod and swallow down the whiskey, along with the sting of her words.

It's unexpected and completely irrational. I don't have the right to let her feel bad for making me her designated uncomplicated friend.

I'm her priest. It's what she needs.

"Want another?" she asks, her confession forgotten. Or avoided.

"I've got it." I wave over the server.

Bella chews on her lip. "Still okay if I ask you anything?"

I hope it's not another question about celibacy.

"Shoot," I tell her, handing over a fresh drink.

"What about poverty?" she asks.

"What about it?"

"I guess I figured you, um... I don't mean to sound rude, but I figured you wouldn't have any money?"

I have to laugh. It's a common misconception. "I have enough to buy you some drinks. As friends."

"Right. Sorry."

"Drink," I say, clinking my glass with hers because Lord, do I need one. And this time, I feel it burn as it's going down. It loosens me a little.

This is better. Emily Young's supposed to put on an amazing show. And I'm glad I'm here with Bella to see it.

As we finish off our second round, the lights dim even more. A rush of people move toward the main room and the first strains of live music can be heard blasting from the speakers all around us.

"Let's get another and take it with us to the balcony," Bella says, nodding toward the empty glass in my hand.

I reach for my wallet.

"I got this round," she says, placing her hand over mine. My breath catches in my throat. Bella notices.

"Friends, right?"

Yes, we're friends when she reaches for my hand to pull me through the crowd. When she whispers in someone's ear before they let us up to the balcony, when she gets so excited to see her friend walk out on stage that she gives me a small hug as she cheers.

It's our second hug. Not that I'm counting.

She steps back. "Sorry, that was -"

I nod toward her drink. She narrows her eyes. But she drinks. And watches me.

"It isn't a fair game. You're not acting Godly enough for it to be any kind of contest."

It's almost like the Lord's speaking directly through her lips. I'm not being Godly at all.

I take a drink. A long one.

"But why do I get the feeling you're still playing?" she asks.

"Believe me. I'm playing." With eternal damnation.

With the crowd pushing around us and the music on stage, we can't hold a conversation after that. And Bella wouldn't want to. Emily Young's as amazing live as I read she'd be. Don't get me wrong. She's no Bella Swan, but she's good and she gives it her all.

Bella sways next to me. I take a drink. There's a group of guys dancing on the other side of me. They eye Bella. I take another sip. And when the music picks up, people start jumping behind me. Bella cheers. I know this song. It's better live. And we're all dancing. All excited. All cheering along. Bella's singing. I can almost hear her. And I pull her closer because I want to listen to her voice.

And she's in my arms.

"Sorry," I say. Letting her go. Stepping back.

"Drink," she shouts over the music.

And fucking hell. I empty the glass in my hands.

And if I was struggling before, I'm not anymore.

I'm no longer a priest pretending to be some guy hanging out with a friend. I am that guy. Living his best life. With his beautiful fucking friend.

The music slows. Bella plucks the empty glass from my hands and places both hers and mine on the railing. Then she takes my hands. It's too close, but not close enough at all.

She laughs as she sways and places a hand on my waist.

"Dance, Edward," she whispers in my ear. Her breath is electric where it brushes my skin.

Maybe it's the music. Or the alcohol. And being here... with Bella. Maybe it's everything. But somehow, even though some part of me knows it's a bad idea, I hear myself saying okay.

I spin her. And she gives me that smile. Like she knows I'm being a dork, but she's fine with it.

And fuck.

I'm in trouble.

But right now, as Edward, I don't give a damn.

Everything is right as the music picks up again. And it's still right when she whispers in my ear that she's getting us another drink. It's better when she's back.

"Sorry," Bella says to the woman next to me when she stumbles over her feet.

"Drink," I tell her, catching her in my arms.

The way she grins at me is positively wicked. So I drink too.

"I still don't know what game you're playing," she whispers in my ear. Her hand is on my shoulder. The one with the beer is near my waist.

"It's between me and God," I tell her, pointing up to the sky, then to me.

She laughs. And laughs. Still holding me.

"What?" I ask.

"Drink," she says. "You Godly son of a … shit. Sorry."

I bite my lip. I nod to her beer bottle.

"Fuck," she says. And she chugs it as I laugh.

After the encore, Bella pulls me down the steps toward a side door. She knows everyone. With a few words and a hug, we've got passes on lanyards and are being led down a long hallway. Bella charges ahead towards a door and knocks excitedly.

"Emily!" she calls, knocking some more. "Get out here, girl!"

The door's thrown open and the two women scream and throw themselves into one another's arms.

"That was a-fucking-mazing, woman!" Bella calls. "That new arrangement was kick ass. And look at you!"

"Me? Look at you, girlfriend! Vacation suits you," Emily says, spinning Bella and giving her an appreciative once over.

"Ha! Vacation. Where's Seth? He killed it on drums."

I lean against the wall and watch as she catches up with her friend. I'm happy she's happy. She's more comfortable than I've ever seen her before. She's confident and carefree. Everyone who walks by wants to be near her.

I know the feeling.

"Hey, there's someone I want you to meet," she says after a little while, glancing in my direction.

Emily rolls her eyes.

"No, no, no. He's cool." She pulls Emily toward me. I rethink my t-shirt for the hundredth time.

"Emily, this is Fa-, um -" she coughs. "This is my friend, Edward. Edward, this is Emily Young."

Bella looks at me expectantly and I get it. I wouldn't want my friends thinking I brought a priest to the party either.

"Emily, great to meet you." I extend my hand. "That version of Yellow was spectacular. Really great."

"Damn, Bella." She laughs as she shakes the hand I've offered, sizing me up. "Why are you hooking up with losers when… Mm mm mm?" she hums and shakes her head.

Bella laughs. It's all nerves and surprise. And damn, she's glowing. And blushing. All of it suits her in a way her family doesn't get to see and probably wouldn't appreciate. She's unguarded and unapologetic. I'm grateful to be here for it.

She's still laughing when she grabs hold of me for support. And when she looks at me with that gleam in her eyes, like she's the happiest she's been in ages and part of her happiness is because she's here with me.

I'm completely caught up in her bliss and I can't look away - not when she tucks some hair behind her ear, or when she bites her lip, or when I realize I'm holding my breath as I hold her in my arms.

I'm still holding my breath when she stops laughing and smiles up at me. Her eyes search mine. "What?" she asks, breathlessly.

"Christ, you're gorgeous." The words come out like they've been sitting on the tip of my tongue all night, waiting for me to set them free.

I don't even think about stopping myself. And I won't ask forgiveness for it either.

Bella's face flushes and she drops her hands. Surprised and flustered, she's still smiling, but it's different now. She's still watching me closely, like she can't look away either.

"He's kind of taken, Em," Bella tries to explain, answering the question I completely forgot Emily asked.

"Emphasis on kind of," Emily says, breaking the spell. And suddenly Bella's looking everywhere and anywhere. Except at me.

The moment slips away and I hate it even more than the awkward silence we shared earlier on the train.

"Where was Seth?" Bella asks. "I've got to-" she doesn't finish the thought as she disappears into the crowd.

"It's more of a long standing commitment," I say to Emily, as I crane my neck to try to spot Bella in the sea of people around us.

"Keep telling yourself that," she jokes. "If you hurt her, though-"

"We're friends," I say for the millionth time this evening.

Emily laughs again. "Seriously, she doesn't need to be jerked around. Not after the shit Mike pulled."

"Mike?"

"Douchewad tore out her heart on tour. Didn't even bother apologizing. She deserves so much better."

She does.

"You catch her new stuff?" Emily asks. "I don't know where the fuck she gets it from."

"What?" I ask, still distracted about Bella and her broken heart.

"Check this," Emily says, pulling her cell out of her pocket. And before I know it, she's holding the phone up to my ear and Bella's singing the sexiest hymn I've ever heard. The only sexy hymn I've ever heard. It's just a few seconds. And then it's over.

"Damn near broke the Internet with this yesterday."

Yesterday. "Really?"

Before or after confession? Before or after the office visit?

And before I can work it all out, Bella comes rushing back down the hallway, looking worried.

"Sorry, Em, but we have to go." She sounds panicked.

"Girl, you just got here."

Bella grabs my arm and pulls me toward the exit. "It's my sister."

"Alice?" I ask her.

"Angela?" Emily asks at the same time.

"It's Rose. The baby came early and there are complications. I need to go."